Utterly Me

Wish List

2011-12-16T00:06:00.005-06:00

Date: Friday @ Office during lunch hour,
Location: In front of my PC with a glass of plain water and some cookies to nibble
(Pagi td dah makan laksa semangkuk)
Subject matter: Wow saya sgt gerun melihat rakan seangkatan saya punya bicara.

Lately, I’ve been in constant contact with my unimates. Yelah since dah pakai smartphone ni senang pulak nak berwhatsapp je kerjanya. Ok so when you are in constant contact with them ( like every once in few hours) byklah cerita yang dulunya tak cerita ( sbb dulu bercakap 2 -3 kali setahun) tercerita di screen masing-masing.

Takde apa pun cuma pelik masing-masing cerita hal kehidupan masing-masing tapi dalam berkongsi tu mesti ada part material. Honestly saya tak selesa lah. I’ve never known them for that. So now when we are all grown up masing-masing dah jadi isteri org, ibu org and masing-masing dah berkerja atau berkerjaya, ayat-ayat material keep comings. Seriously saya tak selesa. I’m trying to adjust to this new way of small talk but I ‘m not happy with it. Sikit-sikit tu boleh la but I appreciate if people don’t ask so much or state so much about my material life nor talk so much about their material life, Coz when they do that, they will start comparing them and you and others in the circle which I feel there is no need to do that.

I know money is important but please money is not the measurement of success in my eyes. Kalau ia pun kamu atau kamu dan kamu berjaya dalam kerjaya masing-masing, ia saya tumpang gembira untuk kejayaan kamu itu. Tapi kalau pun kamu hanya berjaya tak melangit mana, kamu tetap kawan saya dan ia tidak memberi impak atau kesan dalam persahabatan kita. Kamu berjaya mengikut ukuran kamu sendiri, begitu juga saya.

Material things like car, house, take home income, handbags, shoes, watch and etc is all in the surface, I pity you if you feel this is the only measurement in life, although we work hard to achieve certain way of standard, material is still only in the surface. They are more to our life that just that.

(WISH LIST A ) Anak seorang Alhafiz, Suami sentiasa tersenyum melihat isteri, Masakan dan air tangan isteri yang tak terbanding lazatnya, Solat jemaah dalam keluarga, rumah tangga yg rukun dan damai, tidur yang lena dan tenang, tubuh badan yang sihat, bersedekah walau dalam tangan duit tak pernah cukup, and the list goes on and on.

(WISH LIST B) Prada Handbag, Jimmy Choo Shoes, 100 K gold Bracelet, Europe Tour, Aston Martin car and as usual the list will continue selagi kita masih bernyawa.

So A or B? Terpulang la masing-masing. Hidup kita, kita tentukan jalan yang diambil. Tapi kalau tanya saya, dua dua pun mahu..hehe ;)

Ada masa-masa dalam hidup kita tersesal melakukan byk perkara, tp yang terkesal jangan terus diratapi. Kita hidup bukan untuk kisah semalam, tapi untuk hari ini dan perjalanan esok yang mungkin lebih mencabar.

So dear friends I hope now you understand why there are certain question or statement I leave it blank without any answer or remark. I do not want to be your competitor in life, If you are happy with yours, I am also happy with mine. There are times when I might seek for your help and advise, I hope when the times come you will lend me your helping hands ;)

Dream Home

2011-08-23T03:02:00.006-05:00

SERENE KIARA RESIDENCE - Kamu membuat mimpi itu indah

Dan bermimpi lah aku, kerana bermimpi tidak memerlukan masa dan tidak terbuang wang ringgit. Dan bermimpi lagi aku kerana mimpi itu satu keperluan. Dan bermimpi lagi aku kerana mimpi mencipta peluang.

Dear readers, I don't do this often ( I mean dreaming beyond what my money can buy for the next 100 years) but looking at this place I can't stop dreaming to own a place like this. I fell in love with the design, Classic Elegant with a minimal modern touch. I mean just look at it, so majestic, yet so humble in style. So simple yet so beautiful.

By far, this is the best design for Bungalow in Kuala Lumpur. Ohh yang sebelum-sebelum ini kamu saya tidak pandang dah :) sebab berangan kan ...hehe.

P/s : Beruntung sungguh bagi mereka yang punya duit, org macam saya cuma boleh tumpang tgk gmbr2 kat gallery je. Tapi takpe, rezeki Allah yang tentukan. Saya bersyukur dengan dunia kecil saya di Armanee ye :) cuma kamu ye kamu yg gmbrnya di atas...buat saya terus berMIMPI.........

Puasa Tak Habis Ganti Lagi, Dah...

2011-07-27T03:14:00.004-05:00

Entry cum reminder to myself..ahaks.!!

Puasa tak habis ganti lagi, dah sibuk plan nak raya....

Of coz, this year Insya-allah I'll be celebrating my raya with the little one, itu sbb utama kenapa nak excited sgt :)

Ye, mmg betul puasa x sempat ganti lagi, I only managed to ganti 11 days out of 30 days, still a long way to go, but I'm glad with this new role I'm playin alhamdulillah dpt jugak la ganti sikit2. Gastrik sumtimes ada sumtimes hilang, but cabaran nya lebih coz menyusukan Shahzor, haus and letih Ya Amat tiap kali berpuasa. Insya Allah nak cuba berpuasa penuh Ramadhan akan dtg ni. Ya-Allah, mudahkan lah niat hamba mu ini. Oh Gastrik please jgn even tunjuk bayang di Ramadhan ini. Amin.

About raya...yes I know its my 1st time celebrating it as an Ibu to my Little Awesome. Kalau ikut kan hati segala benda nak beli for him, tp igtkan diri sendiri, beli apa yg patut. Bukan apa, raya tahun lepas sgt "down" dgn takde moodnya nak beraya sbb tak puasa, terawih pun ala kadar, solat raya pun tak..semua pun tak la..I'm at the lowest point of health at that time. So this time around my health is all pink and over excited la pulak.......

Apapun, entry ini adalah reminder to myself...NEN jgn OVER...wasadtiah dlm segala Hal...

P/s : This year its gonna be sumthing PEACHY with FRILLS, no beads la..anak I tak selesa nnt. Utk Shahzor pun dah ready. Muahuahaaa!

Me Recently

2011-05-08T20:10:00.003-05:00

My life has been upside down, between changing diapers, keeping the house in one piece, constant crying and needy baby, smelly fury cat with his fur all over the wind blow, wifey role, trying to look like a yummy mummy ( dis skin problem is not helping at all and not to mention the extra pounds of unneeded flash).Oh yeah recently I've been doin quite sum justice to the oven by baking some desserts and cakes. I'm proud of it really..hehe.

More to the list is business at home yeah, name it! I've activated my entrepeneur MODE.

I'm struggling to do everything at one go. Gosh I'm really tired, really really tired...but with this new role I'm playin...I've decided to play it HARD...No REGRETS and NO TURNING BACK! C'mon life, Bring it ON.

P/S : Selamat Hari IBU to myself...I hope I deserve it :) Shahzor Zia Ibu Love You!

Smelly Story

2011-04-05T07:39:00.007-05:00

That smell is just so addictive - smile. I can live the whole day by just smelling it. Luckily this smell does not involved a pile of money - smile again.

Have you ever been addicted with a certain smell? I know I do! During my studying time I can never get enaf of the Vicks vapour rub smell. I must rub a small amount of it to my nose before I sleep. Thank God that habit has stop or else can you imagine what wud Cinta Hati think of me each time he kiss me? Hahaha!

Then I have this heart shape smelly pillow which I still have it till now, I seriously do not remember when was the 1st time I develop the strong urge towards dat pillow but funny thing is I still have it next to my face every night to sleep with. It's not like I can't go to sleep without it, but having it near to me is just so good, so comfy, so I still hang onto it. Never know when dis addiction will stop though. Well, Cinta Hati doesn't seems to be be bothered with it, in fact when I was hospitalised during my early pregnancy stage, he was so kind to me that when he went home to packs my thing, that smelly pillow is among the things that he brought to the ward. I know, its romantic rite...how sweet! I lurve you dear :)

Now with the little one around, I thot I can never get enaf of his smell but instead I develop this addiction towards smelling, hurmmm more of inhaling actually his little mitten! Yeah, those little mitten dat is design to protect his tiny and delicate little fingers. (Speaking of which, I accidentally cut his thumb with a nail clipper last few days. Wat a careless new mum at work! But thats a diff. story , only putting it here so dat I wud never forget how I hurt him and how careless I am. Bad. Bad. Bad Ibu! I'm sorry son...I truly am) The same mitten dat he use's to wipe off the spilled milk around his tiny mouth, the sweet smelling watery saliva and sumtimes he just suck it whenever he feels like doing so. Well combining it all, the smell is just HEAVEN!

Come 16 May 2011, I will start working...and its all plan in my head (The fact that I plan too much is lately bothering me, sigh! I wonder when was the last time I do sumthing without planning? Nadda! Okay another diff. story line), that I'll just keep one of his unwashed mitten a day before I go to work in my bag and whenever no one is watching, ( dat will definitely be in my own office room...oh yeah lucky me!) I'll just take it out and start inhaling..ahhhaks! At least dat is the least I can do whenever I miss him...huwaa, I hate being away from him even more when it's gonna involved a solid 10-12 hours of my time. Wish I cud be home-stayed mum.(Also a different story line). I wish real hard for this to happen, in the mean time I guess the mitten smell will solve the problem?? Really?

Anak Ibu

2011-03-04T22:35:00.002-06:00

Shahzor Zia, kisah yang tertulis atas nama takdir, atas usaha doa dan tawakkal, atas istiqamah yang bersambungan terus...

5.04 am 25 Jan 2011, Shahzor Zia bin Shahrir bernafas buat pertama kali pertama di muka bumi ini. Kelahirannya disambut dengan kalimah-kalimah suci Allah yang Maha Besar, air mata seorang ibu gugur berterusan bukan kerana sakit yang baru lepas dilalui tapi kerana terlalu bersyukur dengan zuriat dalam dakapan itu. Shahzor Zia anak ibu yang sulung, yang menjadi permintaan dalam setiap bicara ibu bersama yang Esa, yang menjadi harapan dalam hati ibu yang tak pernah terdengar oleh sesiapa, yang menjadi mimpi-mimpi indah dalam lena ibu yang panjang. Shahzor Zia menjadi bukti, kasih Allah itu berkekalan, kasih Allah kasih yang terbaik, Shahzor Zia anak ibu..kau zuriat ku dunia dan akhirat.

Emosi Nya Aku

2010-11-10T18:59:00.011-06:00

Emosional ke aku? Satu persoalan yang aku selalu juga tanya pada diri ini. Rasanya aku mmg seorang yg beremosi..sebab? Sebab aku suka nangis bila tersentuh dengan sesuatu yang buat aku terasa ( tp airmata ini x la jatuh berderai depan org), I cry when no one is seeing...malu agaknya. Tp depan Cinta Hati, air mata ni laju je nak jatuh..tgk iklan pun boleh nangis...mungkin depan Cinta Hati, aku menjadi siapa sebenarnya aku...takde selindung2..mungkin itu sbb terlebih emosi bila bersama dia.

Sbb lagi...sbb aku cepat meradang, marah dan mengamuk...bagai singa hilang anak kalau aku sudah naik berang. Cakap ikut hati tanpa berfikir or beralas2...janji hati puas..boleh juga aku buat sesuatu yang memberhayakan diri? contoh : aku lari tanpa tujuan?? Kesan kemudian, belakang kira..tp nnt aku menyesal..menyesal tak terhingga..especially when u said sumthing that u never meant it, and hurt the one u care n love...nnt aku nangis lagi atas dasar sesal. Nnt aku mintak maaf untuk yang keberapa kali..lupa aku kira.

Sbb lain..aku tak sanggup buat org menderita..seburuk2 diri ini, aku x pasti kalau2 aku yakin hancurkan kehidupan dan hati org la, aku suka letak diri aku ditempat org itu...empathy feeling aku sgt kuat..empathy and emotional ader kena mengena ke? sbb itu aku cukup menyampah dengan org yang suka sgt menyusahkan kan org lain. Tak boleh tahanlah dengan org yg macam ini.

Sbb lain lagi, sumtimes i love being in the past, hidup dlm kenangan..sbb kenangan itu cukup indah, bila kembali pada kenangan aku senyum tp kadang air mata keluar jugak. Bukan mengenang barang yang hilang, tapi kenangan2 bermakna setiap hari yang lepas buat aku sedar hidup ini terlalu singkat dan terlalu cepat untuk kita biar macam itu aje. Jadi, aku pun tak suka rutin sbb rutin ini sama saja..takde pembaharuan..semua retorik. Haishh, I have to do sumthing about wat I'm complaining now. Takpe itu cerita lain.

Emosi jugak aku ini sbb selalu berpihak hanya pada satu pihak, cepat buat judgement without listening to both especially dengan org yang aku kenal rapat dan baik. Habis yg satu pihak lagi tu terus aku bina tembok...tak baik macam tu, salah macam tu, aku tahu tapi susah sikit nak ubah..maka itulah emotional x bertempat, susah jadi pengadil aku ni.

Cukupla, byk sgt nnt lain pulak yang tertulis - ringkas bicara, aku kenal diri aku...luar dlm semua aku tahu..aku byk kelemahan, tp aku pun tahu dlm lemah itu ada kebaikan yang boleh digilap..setiap hari kita cuba berubah, dlm acuan dan bentuk yang pelbagai..kita usaha, kita istiqamah..kita jgn lupa Tuhan.

Child of Mine

2010-10-24T23:15:00.003-05:00

Technically what happen last evening was not entirely my fault, but I guess I dun mind taking all the blames…If really something happen to this child of mine, I would never ever forgive myself, so I guess that’s make I’m entirely at fault.

What hit me the most was the feeling of being overly worried over the safety of this unborn child, for the first time my motherly instinct or feeling has swept everything inside me. Perhaps this is the feeling that will be felt by all mothers whenever danger is threatening their child. A feeling that makes you want to cry out loud, cursing your every action and all unreasonable acts you wish you could do just to make sure everything is ok. Weird I was allowing myself to cry (because of the pain definitely) but all the unreasonable act was locked inside of me like a proper grown woman supposed to act. But my heart and my thinking was chanting Allah SWT name and Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) name without stopping, praying all my heart can that this child inside me is keep to safety all the time. How I pray let me feel all the pain but not him…I realized at that moment how I love this child so much that I’m willing to do everything to make sure he’s in good condition.

Dear God, please protect this child of mine from every danger and threat that may encounter him. Please destined him good life in this worldly world and the hereafter. Prolonged his life for the purpose of good deeds and end his life with a significant good ending, for he’s my child in this world and hereafter. Amin.

Not the best spa treatment?

2010-09-28T10:31:00.003-05:00

Ever since I was pregnant, movement has never been that easy for me, yup my body is getting heavier, my balancing is terrible and worst, taking care of myself has never been this difficult...but despite all this I’m really thankful that God has given me the chance of having to feel every little changes that took place for the past 23 weeks in my physical and emotional transformation.

I was complaining a little bit to my dear husband, how I can’t get down to my feet and brush all the dirt, rub my back with scrubs and bath sponge, many more little things that I used to do on my own in the aspect of hygiene care.

So last weekend, who else would have volunteer to take care of me and clean me up in the most caring way if it’s not my dear husband. It was such a funny moments where I stand still like a big polar bear and getting myself ready to be scrubbed and brush by him. He’s doing it dedicatedly and I must say I’m touch by his care for me. Someday if either one of us fall sick or challenge by any physical movement we would have done the same thing for each other. Insya-Allah.

Massage moments it not entirely the best compared to all the experience that has spoiled me into a massage addict, but his willingness to ease my back pain, shoulder pain and all sort of pain due to this pregnancy is highly appreciated ; ) dia buat walaupun rasa macam tak rasa je ;p

Anyhow...I love spending time with him especially at time like this where you will always appreciate an extra hand and of coz a shoulder to support to....

It might not be the best spa treatment, but for me it means the world to me.

Total Price : Love Care Responsibility of a Husband...Priceless

7 August 2010

2010-08-07T01:23:00.002-05:00

7 August 2010

I cried tears of happiness and blessed as we enter that place...a place that I never thot I would be able to enter...I feel so thankful for this oppurtunity that God has given us. Alhamdulillah is the only word that I cud utter when tears struck me. Insya-allah many more tears of happiness to come...

For now I feel like singing a song from Maher Zain - for the rest of my life, i'll be with you, i'll stay with you, honest and true, till the end of my time, i'll be loving you.........

I want to be healthy

2010-07-16T00:34:00.002-05:00

Never appreciate most of the things dat I can do when health is all pink...but when sickness struck it turn my world upside down, never thot I wud be such a burden to everyone who care, tears and prayers keep changing lane...I was depressed even though I shud be happy as all this sickness is a result of sumthing happy..sumthing that i really want..sumthing that i've been hoping for such a long time.

I'm better now, but whenever I remember those moments of being sick, truth is I'm so afraid to go through it all over again most I appreciate every moments of being healthy and be the person I used to be.

Tuhan..berikan aku kekuatan mengharungi tempoh ini...satu tempoh panjang kiranya aku terus berasa resah dan sukar...satu tempoh pendek sekiranya aku mengharunginya dengan bahagia dan penuh harapan...aku pohon pilihan yang kedua Ya Alllah...amin.

Weekend Forever

2010-05-23T20:55:00.005-05:00

WEEKEND Day 1 - 6.30 AM. Solat. Laundry Day. House Cleaning Day. Breakfast. Shops. Solat. Lunch with Close Fren ( Ngetop Banget) .Nap. Solat. Hantaran. Solat. Dinner. Movie+Dinner. Solat and Sleep Like A Baby

P/S : My Name is KHAN - this movie is Super Great..nope beyond Great..I cried like Mad, and Laugh like a Monkey..hehe.

WEEKEND Day 2 - 6.30 AM. Solat. Nap. Lunch + Breakfast (Ah-Lan Wasahlan) .Solat. Shops. Makeup Session. Gossips. Shop Till Drop. Night Market. Solat. Cooked Asam Pedas. Solat. Ironing. Dinner. Hantaran. Solat. TV. Sleep Like Tomorrow Is Not a Working Day.

P/S : Guls Day Out is always the best way to spend!

I love my Weekend..yeap I love my 22nd & 23rd of May 2010 - shall we repeat this next month?

Letihnya Menjadi Aku - Final Part

2010-04-06T23:47:00.002-05:00

Isteri. Aku seorang isteri kepada seorang suami yang cukup baik dan sempurna di mata aku. Aku ingin menjadi yang terbaik untuk dia. Walau aku tahu aku jauh dari sempurna, tapi rasa kasih yang tiada bertepi ini hanya ada untuk dia maka aku sentiasa berusaha kearah itu. Untuk itu tugas ku dirumah bermula bila salam dilafazkan, pintu dikuak dan beg diletakkan.

Aku buru-buru ke dapur memastikan makanan si comel masih ada, ke dapur juga membersihkan apa yang patut, menyapu dan mengelap apa yang patut, ke depan serambi menyiram pokok yang kadang-kadang masih nampak layu itu, ke atas untuk mandi dan bersolat asar, turun semula untuk membasuh baju, naik semula mengangkat jemuran, melipat dan menyusun pakaian. Ke dapur semula untuk menyediakan makanan, walaupun ringkas dapur ku tetap berasap (walau kadang hanya wap dari air panas) , ke atas semula untuk menyidai baju, sambil mengosok baju mata ini melayan TV peneman setia. Nanti solat semula dan membaca ayat-ayat suci penenang jiwa, berzikir memuji Allah dan berharap Tuhan memberikan aku kesabaran dalam menempuh apa jua dugaan ku di dunia ini, aku tahu aku insan tak sempurna, mudah marah , mudah melawan, mudah hilang sabar tapi aku tahu aku seorang yang istiqamah / consistent kalau tidak tak mungkin aku siapa aku yang Allah jadikan. Untuk itu aku berterima kasih padaMu Ya Allah. Bimbinglah aku, ujilah aku, tapi jangan Kau pesongkan hati ku ini yang selalu mengharap keredhaan Mu.

Puas. Aku puas dengan apa yang ada, Cuma dalam puas aku jadi letih untuk mengekalkan apa yang ada untuk terus ada.

Pulang. Kepulangan dia sentiasa aku nantikan, tak pernah jemu menunggu walau seketika terlena dalam penantian. Tapi bila dia pulang, rumah seperti berjaga kembali, walau hanya dia yang pulang aku rasa seperti ramai yang datang, kerana dalam dunia kecilku ini hanya ada dia, dia ku sambut dengan salam, senyuman, pelukan dan ciuman. Hari ku terasa seperti bermula kembali tapi aneh aku tidak letih.
Rutin kami makan, minum , berbual dan jika masih belum aku bersolat, kami bersolat sama, terus nanti kami menonton TV sambil menghirup kopi O panas, dalam genggaman tangan kami, aku dan dia seakan faham, pendeknya masa kami bersama. Kami akur dengan keajaiban malam yang merembeskan rasa mengantuk, maka ke kamar kami beradu untuk mengumpul sedikit kekuatan sebelum bermulanya hari esok.

Aku letih dengan rutin ini, aku letih dengan diriku yang terus menerus hidup dalam rutin ini, tapi aku tak pernah marah, aku tahu ini ketentuan hidupku, aku yang akan merubah dan mengubah coraknya, cuma dalam usia yang semakin matang ini, aku berharap letih ku ini semakin bermakna, biar terkesan bila merasa. Bukan alah bisa tegal biasa. Sekejap sekejap aku letih menjadi aku. Mahukah kamu menjadi aku?

Teman baikku ini akan berpergian buat seketika, kerana tugas kami berpisah. Rutin ku pasti tercalar, rutinku akan berubah sementara, aku pasti merindui rutin letih ku ini, kerana dalam rutin hidupku yang letih ini ada dia teman sejati ku. Semoga dia dilindungi hendaknya, dipanjangkan usia, dimurahkan rezeki, dimantapkan iman agar berjaya dunia dan akhirat.

Kami berdua tidak sempurna, masih terpalit dengan dosa, tapi kami saling melengkapi mungkin tak sehebat dugaan cinta Adam dan Hawa, Laila dan Majnun atau Romeo dan Juliet, tapi kata dia cukuplah jika yang biasa-biasa sahaja, asal tiada dugaan berbisa. Cukup dengan dunia kecil kami, cukup dengan senyuman kasih, cukup dengan doa yang ikhlas. Dia aku yang punya dan begitu juga sebaliknya. Tuhan ampuni kami, peliharalah kasih kami ke akhir hayat kami.

Letihnya Menjadi Aku - Part III

2010-04-06T23:40:00.002-05:00

Pulang. Tepat jam 5.00 petang, aku tak pernah berlengah, walau seminit aku takkan pernah berlengah, atau berpura-pura sibuk dengan tugasan yang banyak, yang pastinya aku menunjuk resah jika aku tak dapat beredar dari sini tepat pada waktu yang aku telah tetapkan. Fokus ku hanya satu - aku ingin pulang. Pulang ke tempat tinggal ku yang tak pernah puas dengannya. Aku harus pulang.

Perjalanan pulang lebih tenang dari perjalanan pergi, arus kesesakan kurang dari awal pagi, mungkin sebab masih ramai yang sibuk dipejabat ( bukan aku, aku bukan jenis itu, mungkin dulu aku pun sejenis tapi kini aku sudah berubah spesis, aku lebih senang dengan spesis sekarang) atau sebab tidak perlu mengetik waktu bila tiba di pintu rumah, atau mungkin sebab aku tak perlu beraksi Michael Schumacher dlm perjalanan pulang.

Tiba. Tiba di rumah, kucing ku yang comel menjadi penyambut setia, tiada seorang manusia pun yang akan menyambut aku tapi seekor haiwan yang aku rasa dia rasa dirinya manusia. Pelik? Memang pelik tapi percaya lah Si comel ku selalu menjadi seperti manusia di pandangan mataku. Adakalanya dia menjadi seperti seekor anjing tapi selebihnya dia selalu seperti manusia. Selain Si comel aku tidak punya penyambut lain ( yang aku nampak, yg tak nampak aku tak berani komen), tiada anak untuk menghibur kan lara, kadang memikirkan tentang tiada anak juga membuatkan aku letih. Letih dalam yang makin berdarah, tapi hidup kena pasrah, jadi dalam pasrah aku tetap menanggung resah, membuat jiwa semakin gundah dan luarannya aku menjadi cukup letih.

Sunyi. Tahukah kalian, aku datang dari keluarga nukleus yang sederhana besar, tapi keluarga sekunder yang cukup besar, kepulangan ku dari sekolah satu ketika dahulu disambut riuh dengan suara adik-adik seibu sebapa ku, adik-adik saudara ku, makcik, pakcik dan nenekku. Rumah nenek tak pernah sunyi. Kami juga punya burung dan kucing yang berpasang-pasangan, jadi bila dewasa, sudah berhijrah mengikut suami, aku jadi sunyi bila pulang tiada yang menyambut. Bertukar sedih jika pulang tak nampak matahari, rumah yang gelap semakin sunyi, sedih bila perlu memetik suis lampu untuk menampakkan cahaya. Tapi apa guna hidup dalam kenangan, yang pasti ini realiti yang perlu aku hadapi setiap hari.Aku sudah terbiasa begini.Terbiasa tidak lagi memakan diri. Terfikir juga jika ramai di rumah ku sekarang, aku mungkin semakin letih. Letih merancang itu dan ini, letih menguruskan itu dan ini. Aku kan begitu, suka merancang segala perancangan. Ah, tak mengapalah Allah tahulah apa yang terbaik untuk ku. Bukankah itu pinta ku padaNya saban hari.”Takdirkan yang terbaik untukku disisimu Ya Allah”.

Rumah. Ini rumah kami, tempat kami melepas lelah, tempat kami beribadat dan rehat, tempat kami bermadu kasih, tempat kami bergaduh-baik , tempat kami merajuk-pujuk, tempat kami menjauh rasa, tempat kami berkongsi semua. Jadi, rumah ini ku jaga rapi, bila berubah dari rapi, aku letih melihatnya, bila aku mengemas rapi aku tetap letih melaksanakannya. Jadi harus bagaimana aku ini, rapi dan letih harus seiring, itu kesimpulan ku.

To be continued.

Letihnya Menjadi Aku - Part II

2010-04-04T19:59:00.002-05:00

Pandu. Aku memandu mengikut keadaan, kadang laju melebihi had, kadang pelan merangkak-rangkak dalam sesaknya arus perjalanan. Letih. Kaki memang letih menekan pedal minyak ataupun brek, tangan letih memutarkan stering, mata letih mencari peluang, namun telinga terhibur mendengar coleteh dj2 radio yang sentiasa meneman dalam sunyi perjalanan letih ku itu. Aku bukan pemandu cuai, tapi tersasar sedikit dari berhemah. Cuma doaku sepanjang perjalanan moga aku sampai dengan selamat ditempat yang dituju agar hati suamiku tidak resah dengan berita musibah.

Tiba. Ketibaan ku tak pernah disebut hebat seperti ketibaan para menteri atau orang-orang kenamaan yang terkemuka. Aku insan biasa yg tak pernah dipandang khas oleh sesiapa pun, maka ketibaan ku biasanya memenatkan kan kerana perlu berusaha pula mencari tempat parkir yang tersedia merata tapi sentiasa penuh itu, kadang didalam hati selalu mempersoalkan aku yang lambat atau mereka yang lain terlalu cepat..arh atau mungkin mereka ini tidak pernah pulang agaknya. Tapi inilah rutin aku seharian pagi, bermula dengan letih yang akhirnya beransur hilang setibanya aku duduk selesa di kerusi pejabat dan melaporkan ketibaan ku dengan selamat sebagai berita kepada teman yang dirumah. Iya aku tidak pernah lupa menelefon suamiku, walau lewat sekalipun aku tetap mendail dia. Gundah aku jika tidak mendengar suaranya dicorong telinga.

Pejabat. Hari-hari di pejabat pun tidak pernah menentunya. Kadang seharian aku diluar menjalankan audit, pemantauan terhemah bagaimana membelanjakan wang kerajaan @ wang rakyat layaknya. Aku seorang auditor , mata-mata kepada pihak berkuasa, memastikan tiada penyelewangan, tiada penipuan dalam perbelajaan wang kerajaan ( walau ramai seperti aku, namun manusia tetap manusia, kalau sudah jahat didalam hati, sekat macam mana pun penipuan berlaku, sistem canggih berjuta pun boleh dibolos sekelip mata) , aku juga seorang penasihat, mendengar masalah-masalah pengadu dari semua pusat tanggungjawabku, letih ditelinga tak perlu dijaja, yang penting aduan rakyat di selenggara segera, aku juga orang bawahan pada pegawai atasan ku, sempurna kerja senyumlah dia, kurang lebih masam la muka, aku juga pegawai atasan pada orang yg pangkatnya kecil sedikit dari ku, adat sistem piramid makin memberat di bawah. Rasanya tak perlu dicerita apa layaknya aku dimata pegawai-pegawai kecilku, tepuk dada tanyalah selera. Yang penting aku tak pernah marah-marah pada mereka, tegas aku bertempat. Setakat ini aku rasa mereka senang dengan cara ku, cuma aku pula kadang rasa tak senang dengan cara mereka tapi aku tak ambil hati. Biarlah mereka masih muda, aku pun pernah melalui usia mereka, tujuan hidup belum terarah. Tapi bagaimana pula dengan pegawai ku yang jauh lebih berusia dari ku, yang umur sebaya umur mamaku, salah bicara mudah terasa jadi mengalah lah dalam tegas. Peraturan jadi panduan tapi bukan semestinya pegangan.

Disini pejabat aku berbakti, pada Bangsa, Agama dan Negara, sambil mencari sumber rezeki, rezeki yang halal untuk aku nikmati semoga menjadi darah daging yang diredhai.

To be continued.

Letihnya Menjadi Aku - Part I

2010-04-01T19:41:00.003-05:00

Letihnya menjadi aku, atau mungkin lebih letih menjadi kamu dan mungkin lebih lagi letih menjadi dia.

Tapi ini perjalananku, ini jurnalku, jadi mahu atau tidak, dalam keadaan sekarang , aku lebih selesa dengan frasa “letihnya menjadi aku”. Buat seketika aku memberi peluang kepada diriku sendiri untuk tidak memandang ke bawah ataupun ke atas, tapi stagnant sebentar di baris ini.

Aku bangun pagi sama seperti org lain iaitu kurang lewat dalam jam 6 pagi (aku selalu kunci jam awal dari waktu sebenar, dengan bermacam-macam niat baik tapi selalunya aku gagal melaksanakan niat-niat ku itu, semoga aku beroleh kebaikan diatas niat-niat ku yang baik itu walau jarang sekali terlaksana. Amin) Walau jam berdenyut kencang, kaki, mata, tangan dan badan rasa cukup berat untuk memulakan hari baru. Rasanya baru sebentar tadi aku terlelap, mimpi pun tak sampai ke penghujungnya, sedar-sedar jam sudah menjerit pekik. Teman ku disebelah masih lena diatas bantal tidurku (Ya bantal tidurku yg selalu bertukar tempat menjadi miliknya bila malam menjelang). Namun ku gagahkan diri..bangun! Aku harus bingkas bangun jika tidak mahu menjadi mangsa dlm kesesakan lalu lintas yang tak pernah hilang itu. Sempat berpaling sebelah mengucup pipi teman yang sedang lena tidur itu, suka aku melihat dia begitu, dia kelihatan cukup tenang dalam lena panjangnya itu.

Mandi , bersolat , berpakaian dan bersiap sesedap mata memandang sambil mulut bersuara lembut mengerakkan teman yang masih lagi nyenyak tidur di atas katil. “Bangun sayang, bangun solat, Matahari dah nak cerah tu, dah nak dekat kul 7 dah tu.” Sengaja aku cakap begitu tu walhal lambat lagi ke jam 7, itu ungkapan biasa yang selalu aku dendangkan buat teman tersayang. Rasanya sudah lebih 4 tahun itulah ungkapan azimat yang selalu membuatkannya bangun berjalan terus menuju bilik air, berwuduk dan bersolat. Langsung terus menukar kain pelekatnya itu ke seluar yang lebih sempurna, merapikan rambut yang sudah tentunya kusut masai dalam lenanya yang panjang itu. Termaktub perjanjian rasmi yang tak pernah dibicarakan, dia punya tanggungjawab untuk mengiring aku ke kereta. ( ITU JADUAL RUTIN KAMI SEPASANG SUAMI ISTERI BAGI TIAP-TIAP HARI BERKERJA) Setakat ini dia tidak pernah merungut apalagi marah-marah tentang tanggungjawabnya itu. Dia buat dengan rela, dengan ikhlas yang mana setiap kali terkenang , merutun hati ini dengan rasa kasih tiap kali mengingatkan pengorbanannya setiap pagi.Bukan aku tak pernah menolak, tapi ralat rasanya jika bukan dia yang menemani aku, dia juga tak pernah membenar aku berjalan dalam seorang, mungkin itu agaknya “quality time yang singkat buat kami”.
(Untuk pengetahuan, rumah kami berkonsepkan kondo tinggi di tingkat yang tinggi, yg mana kenderaan diparkir jauh dari kediaman, tidak ramai para suami yang akan berbuat demikian untuk isteri apatah lagi diawal pagi bila mana tiada keperluan untuk mereka melakukan demikian, mungkin ada tapi tetap tidak konsisten, maaf aku mungkin berbunyi prejudis tapi ingat ini jurnal aku, jadi aku berhak menulis apa saja.) Tulisan ku ini umpama satu penghargaan buat teman ku seorang suami yang jarang sekali aku ucapkan terima kasih di atas perbuatannya itu.

Pagi ku disulami dengan bual-bual kosong antara aku dan temanku, sambil berjalan beriringan ke kereta. Di dalam lif kami bertukar cerita tentang apa jadual kami dihari ini, bergurau senda selagi yang boleh, sebutan akan merindu kerap kali diutarakan walau berpisah kurang dari 24 jam dalam sehari. Adakalanya perjalanan menuruni lif ditemani dengan kanak-kanak yang akan ke sekolah (muka masing-masing yang masih mengantuk), orang lain yang sama tujuannya seperti aku, para ibubapa yang sibuk berkejaran menghantar anak ke rumah asuhan dan pelbagai lagi insan yang entah apa tujuannya aku pun tidak pasti. Salam dihulurkan, ciuman kasih dibalas. Itu rutin halal seorang suami buat isteri, tanda meredhai dengan pemergian ku dan tujuanku. Maka pergilah suami dengan urusan hidupnya dan aku dengan urusan hidupku. Masing-masing punya tuntutan dengan diri sendiri, dengan insan lain dan dengan alam. Bertebarlah kamu diatas muka bumi Allah yg Maha Luas ini.

To Be Continued

Hidup Berwarna-warni……

2010-02-01T21:15:00.000-06:00

Sekarang ini aku sedang tersenyum, mengingati 5 hari yg telah berlalu dlm hidup…hari2yg 5 itu cukup mengujakan…penat tp terhibur, letih tapi gembira, semua cukup..itu cukup ini cukup…tak ada yg kurang.

Hidup berwarna –warni…rasa macam selalu tapi tak selalu….yg jelas, semua org suka…suka org kenyang, semua org cantik, semua org puas hati, semua org sayang..semua org lah, tapi mungkin jugak bukan semua..tapi aku semua : )

P/s: This entry is dedicated to my beloved cousin SWMY for the joy and celebration of her wedding
(Solemnization, Reception I, Reception II and Reception III) – I love all the occasion :: ) Boleh ke nak macam ini selalu??

Sedikit Berbeza

2010-01-04T02:02:00.001-06:00

Setiap hari sama saja, tiada apa-apa yg luar dari kebiasaan berlaku…tapi hari ini sedikit berbeza, cukup sudah umur mencecah angka 30 puluh tahun..sejenak termenung, rupanya sudah 30 tahun aku hidup di bumi tuhan ini…30 tahun lamanya aku diberi peluang meniti satu perjalanan bernama kehidupan.

Itu buat aku tersenyum, itu jua buat aku risau dan was-was…siapa aku, dimana aku 30 tahun akan datang…sedikit kaget bila mengenang masa depan yang tentunya tiada siapa tahu walau sesaat kemudiannya.

Kata org umur 30 itu kita sudah melangkah kea lam “prime age”…ahha..aku pun sudah mencecah the prime age…aku bahagia tapi biasalah dlm bahagia itu manusia seperti aku tak pernah cukup, sentiasa mencari dan meminta yang lebih…mana ada kehidupan yang lengkap..lengkap itu satu illusion mungkin..kita yg sentiasa melengkapkan dengan sebab…sebab yg dicipta sendiri..jadi aku rasa aku jauh dari lengkap tapi yang penting aku cukup rasa bertuah sepanjang usia ini, dan untuk itu lahir rasa syukur yang tidak ternilai pada yg Esa.

Semalam dlm solat, terfikir apa yg harus aku minta dr yg Esa untuk hadiah kelahiran ku kali ini…namanya pun manusia, byk betul yg bermain di minda…kadang wujud rasa malu sbb terlalu byk meminta dr yg Esa sedang diri tak cukup hebat untuk meminta..tapi aku tahu, aku pasti kalian pun tahu…dengan dia mana ada sempadan, sempadan itu tidak wujud…dia tempat ku mengadu, tempat tenang dlm kesedihan…dia segalanya buat aku..dan dia telah mengurniakan segalanya buat aku…setiap kurniaannya aku pandang dengan syukur walau kadang aku terlalai…aku kan manusia?..alasan…
Maka apa yg ku pinta biarlah antara aku dan dia, sbb aku yakin dia akan takdirkan yg terBAIK dan terHEBAT buat aku…

Apapun, terima kasih pada yg mendoakan aku, yg terus mengucapkan kata2 termanis sebagai teman…
Yang sudi berkongsi rezeki itu pun terima kasih jua, mama dan papa hadiah ku cukup jika kalian hidup sihat & bahagia bersama biar untuk satu tempoh yg lama lg, sbb perjalanan ku masih panjang..kalian sgt aku perlukan…

Untuk yg bernama Cinta Hatiku, aku ingin hadir dlm hidup mu dlm tempoh lebih dari 30 tahun yg datang..Insya-Allah jika diizin yg Esa, biar smp ke akhir hayat ku, sbb kamu jua hadiah terbaik dlm hidupku…

Insyallah dengan izin yg Esa..ini 30 yang diredhai dan diberkati…Amin.

P/s : Rasa rindu pada si kecil Iris Aryan…(maaf ini tiada kena mengena dengan tanggal 4hb Jan 2010) Cuma terbit rasa rindu dan sayang yg sepertinya harus aku luahkan buat zuriat adikku Marlisa…ohh ini jua satu announcement ya…; )

Disember Terindah

2009-12-06T23:45:00.002-06:00

Mungkin ini adalah Disember terindah sepanjang hidupku...
Masa yg lama bersama tercinta,
Pergi dan pulang senantiasa bersama,
Cinta yang tak pernah kurang dengan manisnya doa,
Harapan besar memegang gelaran seseorang,
Alunan muzik menghias telinga,
Tempat berteduh yang cukup sempurna buat insan seperti aku,
Rezeki dr Tuhan yang lebih dari mencukupi,
Sinar dan harapan yang tak pernah kurang...
Aku bersyukur dengan nikmat mu Tuhan, walau dlm hati wujud rasa kurang,
Aku insan tak sempurna, dan tak akan pernah sempurna, Aku akur jika itu yang terbaik buat ku...cuma doaku ini kuatkan hati, tabahkan semangat dan waraskan logika, selebihnya aku cukup yakin dengan mu Ya Tuhan...

Disember ini tak mungkin berulang lagi..akan aku nikmati hingga terakhir...ini kenangan Disember terindah, ini nikmat Mu yang tak terbalas, ini hadiah dari Mu Ya Tuhan...untuk aku dan juga dia..kerna dia sehagian dr ku, dan aku sebagian dr nya..dan kami sebagian dr tanda kebesaran mu...........

Be With You

2009-11-13T01:59:00.002-06:00

Music is not my life, cause I know I can live without music. But music tells the stories of my life, I choose music, not the other way round. As for the moments in my life I choose this song. Enjoy, coz I'm enjoying every word its says ; ). Yes dear, this song goes to you...

It's not always rainbow n butterflies...

2009-11-10T23:29:00.009-06:00

I've not been here for quite sumtimes, I'm around but I dun feel like writing in here..but today..I guess I miss my spot here and here I am "bagai sirih pulang ke gagang"...

The only topic I'm gud talking at is always about life, and today is not an exception..life has been stable, I am doing ok and yes I'm fine...work related, interest related....many other things related, I am fine...I guess fine is good.

Soul? My soul has been quite clueless about what life will offer for the next month or year to come..but sumhow deep inside I know coming end Dec 09, life will be pretty busy n hectic..full of life, full of commitment, full of ideas, full of anticipation and excitement, full of it that I'm bit scared to face it. Next year will be a very hectic year for me, CH will soon venture into sumthing that is expected to offer him the passion of a long life career. I'm happy and glad for him, always praying that its the best for him and us..Ameen...

Line...this word just keep on lingering in my thoughts...I can't figure it out completely but have an idea of what line will soon be..it will be part of me, part of my life and my soul. In fact, it has always been. Yes, line.......you see I'm not an easily intepreted person..as simple as you can see is actually the complicated part of me. You dun have to love or care for me, cause I know if I love and care for you its gonna be more than enough to coat for us both. Too much love and care will get you intoxicated..haha!

Pain, ...it has not really gone, when the wheather is bad, this pain will slowly creep back to hurt every angle it cud, damn! But that's okay, I'm prepared for it, I'm used to it.

Thankfulness and Gratefulness : I'm still very much alive, able to contribute back to my family and society, able to perform supplication in a sane state of mind, healthy appetite, glowing skin, enjoying every single penny in a meaningful way, people still laugh around me etc n etc...wat more cud I asked?

Dear God, please forgive me for all the sins I've made...I've try to be a better person each day, and if I succeed is all becoz of you but if I fail, it's myself to be blamed.

Durian Feast

2009-07-06T21:40:00.002-05:00

It’s that season of the year again. The season with unpleasant smell to some, but a delightful smell to others. For me and CH, it’s the best season of the year, a fiesta that has always been awaited for. Lucky for us, to share the same taste of madness towards this King of Fruits.

Last weekend, after a phone call from an Uncle ( we call him Chulan) who’s in charge of taking care the Durian orchard that belongs to the granddad of CH, we decided to went back to CH hometown and there begins the durian feast of the year.

Welcoming us is the great smell of Pengat Durian, Maksu homemade cooking is always difficult to turn away, and we enjoy the whole big bowl of Pengat Durian with of coz the glutinous rice.

Dinner is served with sambal tempoyak ( mind you the fresh flesh of durian meshed with chillies and anchovies) is a super addicted paste that can keep you wanting more and more…at the end you feel sinful to eat that much..owww…

I thot, that was the only durian feast ( besides that , we were served with continuous fresh durian peel straight from the orchard, the easiness of eating durian in Chulan’s place is like eating chips from a packet of Mister potato ( koyak, seluk and makan) , but breakfast on the next day is a surprise to me..Maksu is mashing the durian flesh with some sugar and flour…ohh and she’s is preparing a durian fritters…nyum2 is was simply delicious…ever wonder the taste with some vanilla ice-cream on top…marvelous!

There goes my weekend, spending time with love one ( accompany him to make him happy), fulfilling my duty and obligation as a wife and nurturing my natural taste bud…yes I’m a Durian addict…

My Career Shift...Big ???

2009-06-23T23:17:00.003-05:00

I dream to do something more with my life and the right brain of mind have been pushing me into getting hers rights, so much that lately I've been very emotional with almost every aspect of my life.
I've got to channel my creativity and interest to do something that makes me happy and at the same time would be able to contribute income to support my daily needs.
All though trained in accounting by background I yield more in life, I love's number as it is the most accurate measurement for all achievement that I've achieved so far…Numbers in terms of my education line, my career line, my bank account saving, my age…yup I must admit that I'm a big fan of numbers...numerology yeah dat is so into me or i'm so into dat..erm?
Numbers and creativity do work hand in hand…they do skip together…they share the same journey…lately they cry together ???

Unlocked?

2009-06-16T23:10:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting in front of my laptop, and again start thinking about what I really want in life...lately I've been meeting and talking to people from my circle that remind me how I used to be...with them I can be my real me...true colors are reveal and shinning even stronger …truth is I love being with them…not that I pretend to be sumone else with others is just that with them...word spoken is truth..half lie always result to truth..care is sincere..advise is for good...I can be outspoken while knowing nobody gets hurt..I can admit my own weakness coz I know they will search my strength...I can laugh and most I can cry letting down my tears without caring who's looking…while talking...I’ve realized how I’ve changed and how my life has changed..And all that I used want to be and has been, seems doesn't really matter anymore...I live for today as if tomorrow is so far ahead (half lie, coz I can get in my monotonous mode on the weekday) ...the only thing that keep my spirits alive every minute of my day is my love towards people that I care most and the thought that they has always been there for me and loving me in each of their own way... plus I've promise CH that I wanna grow old with him...most of my life I let nature work it cause…and I know God has fated the best for me…

Sumthing struck me when they (yeah this circle of people that I’ve meeting asked me when will I leave my job...live my dream as the perfect housewife...I smile and I smile again...yeah words were spoken, reasons were being given, justification and so on and on..yet I cud not answer to myself…when the time is right I guess...very subjective...typical me....

However, I'm glad...that the gate is always open for me to walk through..3 years back the gate was lock and guarded...slowly the guard left...then the lock were unlocked...And now the gate is wide open...just waiting for me to walk through...I will, god willing...but before that I want to ensure I'm emotionally ready to walk through it coz I'm hoping deep inside once I walk in...I want to enjoy every minute in it without any hesitation for turning back...

So let me just hang around a little while...enjoying the view from a far, anticipate what waits for me there...I know there is possibilities that the gate will be locked again...but I'm taking my chance here...after all that’s what life is all about : ) erm...yer ker?

Excited

2009-05-07T03:02:00.006-05:00

We are planning for a short gateway..Just the 2 of us, and timing is just perfect coz this 8th May...its our 11 years of being together : ) Syukur , Alhamdullilah to Allah SWT for letting us to be together till today, I know our time may sound immaterial to some, to be honest I dun really care about numbers, as I always believe dat love should be timeless, doesn’t matter how long or how short of a time you know a person if you can click well then it will just do…my case in particular, when I first met him, everything just went well , true there are some obstacles and we still do face some challenging moments together (mana ada hubungan yg sempurna, tp kita cuba untuk berasa selesa dan membuat yg terbaik dlm setiap hubungan kita sesama manusia), but deep inside I just knew he’s my person…and God willing he will always do.

A’way, about this trip…suddenly I fell really funny (that make me wanna blog this), it’s a short drive, short break but my preparation is like we are going there for a month! For God sake, dari semalam dah start packing ok! Huahaha…CH called me in the office this morning, and told me that he’s happy too see the way I get to excited..thehheee…

I was communicating with a friend regarding this trip…and she reminded me to bring all important stuff that I couldn’t live without there…of coz this picture collage is for her! ( Bersungguh2 aku mencari gmbr2 ini dari google ok untuk menunjukkan betapa serius dan excitednya diriku ini tentang ini ;p ). Thanks for the entire suggestion babe!

Ok Avillion…here I come!

God Decide : He Gives and He Takes...

2009-04-15T01:11:00.004-05:00

For all the joys and sorrows that I’ve been through for the passed few weeks:-

- God decide best for us, he gives and he takes, we cry as that is part of natural process we let goes our emotions…but that doesn’t mean I’m weak, I know deep inside I’m strong…
- Our relationship grew stronger, not just between CH and me but between me and my parents and between me and my in laws also with close family.
- A friend in need is a friend indeed – the meaning is very broad for me, but I know what I meant and only that matters.
- I become scared but I know I have to overcome this fear, I know that I’ve to be more positive and not think about the past …I know, yes I know only thing is …it’s not that easy as it sounds.
- I believe I have equal chance for it to happen again, Insya-Allah a smooth sailing one.
- Finally an experienced that I’ve always wonders how it felt...
- Dugaan kecil, yg mungkin terjadi untuk mengelakkan Dugaan yg lebih besar...
-I love him more than any word can describe, for all the pain and sorrow does not matter , what matter is his kindness towards me… without equal to all wealth in the world

"Tidak kufahami mengapa terjadi, peristiwa pahit mengguris hati...jalanan hidup ini, sudah tertulis, ku tempuhi dengan kesabaran ku sedar kebesaran mu - Tuhan "

Lucky to Have You

2009-01-27T22:02:00.003-06:00

Over the weekend...CH was away...he went back to his hometown to lose free himself from the tiring city of KL...due to sum technical issue and obligation, this time around I did not follow...of coz with his blessing I spent my time alone in KL : )

Yet every minute I miss him so much...and when his back...this song sound perfect to my ears and suits the love mood we share : )

p.s : Sayang isteri, tinggal-tinggalkan ; )...bila jauh rindu-rinduan

::LUCKY::
"Do you hear me, Talking to you Across the water across the deep blue ocean Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying Boy I hear you in my dreams I feel your whisper across the sea I keep you with me in my heart You make it easier when life gets hard
Lucky I'm in love with my best friend Lucky to have been where I have been Lucky to be coming home again Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
They don't know how long it takes Waiting for a love like this Every time we say goodbye I wish we had one more kiss I'll wait for you I promise you, I will
Lucky I'm in love with my best friend Lucky to have been where I have been Lucky to be coming home again Lucky we're in love in every way Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed Lucky to be coming home someday
And so I'm sailing through the sea To an island where we'll meet You'll hear the music fill the air I'll put a flower in your hair Though the breezes through trees Move so pretty you're all I see As the world keeps spinning round You hold me right here right now"
:: JASON MRAZ::

Pain

2009-01-18T08:36:00.002-06:00

This pain that I feel, is not going away, no matter how hard I try, it still linger in my heart...for a long time I dun feel it’s comprising ...

This pain is so deep, more deeper than losing someone dear, it hurt so much that each time it comes, it’s even severe than the damage of a broken heart, stronger than the feeling of loser who tried to kill himself...this pain is sumthing that I know is the beginning of an ended relationship...

I’ve been call over emotional, over reacted, like a devil is mentoring me...yet, I wonder........what kind of punishment that I deserve to be treated this way...I’ve given almost all of my time and effort to make it work...somehow it fail...it fail real bad...there won’t be any permanent space to be fixed..I guess it’s me, it’s my fault that it fails...but this kind of fault is something that I do not wish to amend...Time will heal yet I doubt I have a lot time...

No one...I meant it when I say no one understand how I felt...no even the closest person to me aka CH, no one..yes no one..not a single soul in the name of human understand how i feel that makes me react that way.....coz, they are not the one who woke up crying in the middle of the nite, facing sleepless nite with eyes wide awake imagining a life of not being somebody, aching heart each time people ask about it in a cynical way, prayer through prayer and waiting for it to happen, blaming myself for each step that minimise the chances of it’s happening, smiling unwillingly to coat the hurtful remark, comprising time and wealth with each visit with only one hope, finding comfort in my own loneliness with reasons to survive this game of fate, abide to the guilt of the fact that I can’t give CH sumthing that he can be proud of....no matter how long this explanation goes...no one understand...

Yet ...people call me emotional...partly as blaming me, partly as comforting me, partly becoz they do not have a better word to choose...so I guess I am emotional...i dun mind being emotional if emotional is the only way than can erase this pain...but i regret..as being emotional has worsen the situation...what said is said..What done cannot be undone..forgiveness is seek, forgiveness is given..yet this pain will stay..Memories will haunt..and each time this pain return, my heart will break into pieces...and only reasons is keeping me sane...God is Fair, everything happen for a reason...a blessing in disguise....but just let me cry...as it the best remedy for the time being....I hope you understand...even so by the end of your reading..I doubt you will.

Life and such

2009-01-08T20:42:00.002-06:00

Since this is my first writing in 2009, it would be nice if I can just share a few things that happen to me over the past few days or weeks since we enter the new calendar…well I did not really celebrate the new year as I was not feeling dat well..but kenangan “ nasi lemak + ayam golek + timeless time” with CH is really sumthing that I can remember for a very-very long time : )

I celebrated my birthday with a humble joy as both CH and me went out for a special breakfast..yup this year no fancy dinner for us..But we start the day with sumptuous breakfast...I really enjoy the whole time with him…thanks for the gift...Promise u that I’ll try my best to utilized it okie..hehe...
For mama and papa...i'm always thankful that I had you guys as my parents...

The same day sumthing unexpected happen to us both…a decision that we never thot we will take… I hope and pray that it’s for the best…anggap ia suatu rezeki dan pinjaman dari Allah SWT…

I guess this is my life..certain lane or certain path the queue is just so long…sumtimes I grew tired of waiting…but for other path, it’s like I win a ticket to the express lane..e’thing is just fast and smooth…

But I’m ok with it…I told a fren of mine “kebahagian adalah sesuatu yang kita tentukan”…I start to believe in it too… : )

The other fren of mine told me…miracle will happen…for us both…I trust and believe that too…when it does happen…I’m sure we will shed tears of happiness…

So life…I’m enjoying every moment of it….2009…try to be a beautiful year for ok!

A Yesterday, Goodbye and Hello

2008-12-30T22:26:00.001-06:00

It’s feel just like yesterday I’ve said goodbye to year 2007 where so many happiness and satisfaction has been shared and achieved…now without much delay 2008 has come to and end…well what can I conclude about this year in particular…2008…the year begin with my new beginning in work place..from being a stranger I’ve come to nestle quite comfortably with my surrounding, losing someone dear to fate name death, marking the middle of the year with a small operation to treat my fertility issue, a magical vacation with my beloved husband, keeping me wise with so many course and seminars to be attended, slowing down the year with a goodbye waved to my beloved father in law, aunts and uncle’s on their departure for Hajj and witnessing the blessed moments of my dear sis wedding as the grand finale of 2008…

So here I am again…wondering and thinking how soon time flies…2008 has passed with a journey that I shall never forget…personally to me it has been the year of progression though I think 2008 has been the year that I shed many tears of sadness and happiness or just in between for myself and for others…yup..I’ve progress (mentally + spiritually) and so does everything around me … I’m not saying dat I’m not hoping anything new in my life…but let it be just a small part of me hoping as 2008 has educate me with a gud lesson. “We planned but God decide with a better plan”. I pray that each day I’ll be stronger and wiser facing each obstacle from Him with more patience and submission. Never giving up : ) not yet …not ever …

So I’m welcoming 2009 with an open heart, with a great smile and new spirits!

Convincing : Truth or Just Thoughts

2008-12-19T01:34:00.001-06:00

I’ve problem within myself…A problem that I realized I may need help with it...I am admitting to you people that I’ve problem of convincing myself…

Not that I’m so good at convincing other but sumwhere inside my heart I know I’m able to convince others with my humble knowledge, experience and sometimes with a little bit of over exaggerating…huhu..

Now my concern is I’m having this one part of me who wanted so much of it to happen till to some extend that I’m just convinced that it will not happen...Ever or just yet...to me…

I’m scared inside…at times I need to remind myself that there is nothing wrong with me, things like this happen, perhaps I need to take a break… a long or just a short break…or maybe a total ignorant of everything and let it be…but then a small voice remind me..God detest those who lose hope…No…I dun wanna lose hope not now, not ever...

And I dun want to let fate decide either without much of my effort, hopes and prayer….

Dear God, dun ever leave me in dismay…for I need you more than I ever know…Ameen…

Beauty Of All Kind

2008-10-16T02:56:00.004-05:00

This morning, I thought of beautiful people that came across my mind. Each with their own set of persona…with that I feel like writing…writing as it is part of my beautiful activities… Allow me to express my definition of beauty, readers may agree or disagree with this view with no malice intended.

Definitions of beauty are just too huge to be explained in neither a single breath nor a single paragraph. It’s too subjective, yet human by the medium of dictionary try their best to explain the meaning of beauty into meaningful acceptance for the human mind.

(taken from: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/beauty ) :-

1.The quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest).

2.A beautiful person, esp. a woman.

3.A beautiful thing, as a work of art or a building.

4.Something that is beautiful in nature or in some natural or artificial environment.

5.An individually pleasing or beautiful quality; grace; charm: a vivid blue area that is the one real beauty of the painting.

6.Informal. a particular advantage: One of the beauties of this medicine is the freedom from aftereffects.

7.(Usually used ironically) something extraordinary: My sunburn was a real beauty.

8.Something excellent of its kind: My old car was a beauty.

Let the dictionary conclude it’s own definitions….for me beauty is part and more than that …beauty is the way you carry yourself, the way you portray ourselves to others, your attitude, your manner, your behavior, the way you talk, walk and laugh, the way you listen or the way you get angry and expressing yourself out loud or with the subtle look. Each with a beautiful movement that lies in the eyes of the beholder who looks at you…beauty of this kind will surely makes me fall for this person and I will undeniably category him/ her as a beautiful person : )

Beauty in some part of you and not the whole part of you…or beauty in the whole part of you and not just a part of you…beauty that makes you want to stay longer..or talk a bit more longer…beauty that makes you wanna share more and give more…Beauty that will remain till the end of time…beauty of a relationship..beauty of a friendship…beauty of all kind…

Still for many, physical beauty remain the major focus on the definitions of beauty…Lucky for those who falls into one…with the smashing look, or just a flash of smile will steal the moments of people surrounding you : )

A’way here is the pictures of Hollywood celebrities that I’m mostly attracted too and can’t seems to stop admiring them. Yeah they are beautiful ! (missing is Charlize Theron, totally forgot to include her..and lecehlah nak edit balik pic nih :( )

A note for CH : I see beauty in your deepest kindness towards me : )

Yes, You Should Have Been a Musician

2008-09-18T03:21:00.002-05:00

The 1st time I saw you, I definitely saw you as an artistic kind of person…

With the faded jeans, military colors round neck shirt with those long sleeves, smooth slightly above your shoulder length hair, and your jumpy shoes...yup. I definitely saw something in you…

Your deep set eyes with your firm long fingers, kind of tell me that you can play music…I was right when you confirm you can play the guitars , harmonica and pianos as well…Boy I fall for you in an instance…and fall even deep when you sketch / draw while talking… those are the thing that attract me into getting to know you even better…those art in you makes the first move, the first impression and the first attraction…the rest in you come as a total package that I find hard to live without …and so here we are today : )

I first learnt about jazz from you…it’s the least category of music that I would listen to, but you change me…I’m enjoying it now but only because you choose the right one…Those art in you brings the music in you…I love the way you tap your fingers, humming the sweet melody, played the guitar with songs you made for me, played the music each time you want to relax, those sound effect you played while talking and etc and etc….

With that dear, I totally agree that you should have been a musician instead of a banker…but still you make a remarkable banker instead a known musician :) A'way..would I marry a banker or a musician...erm dats a tough one! Thank God, I dun have to choose...

P/S: My voice is the most wonderful tune to your ears? Sure or not…ahaks.

This writing is a response to Cinta Hati blog ( Iyer CH pun dah ader blog tau, he dun want to miss the boat of being the bloggers..huhu) : http://shahrirsubki.blogspot.com

Ikhlas

2008-09-10T02:17:00.003-05:00

Izinkan aku bicara soal ikhlas...renungan untuk diri sendiri dan yg sudi membaca...satu topik yang aku kira sesuai dengan bulan ramadhan yang mulia ini....
Ikhlas, salah satu sifat baik yang diajar dlm agama Islam kita..kecil dulu mama sering mengingatkan.."berbuat sesuatu biarlah ikhlas.." "Apa erti ikhlas ma"...sambung mama..dengan pendekatan mudah " Ertinya berbuat sesuatu tanpa mengharapkan balasan"...kecil dulu pendekatan itu cukup mudah difahami, tapi kini kita menginjak dewasa, pendekatan mudah seharusnya dikupas dan diteliti mendalam lagi...bukan setakat tanpa mengharapkan balasan, ikhlas sebenarnya lebih dr itu....kita manusia, jgn putus mencari...jgn lekas menghukum..

ERTI IKHLAS DALAM ISLAM - taken from one of the Islamic site
Ikhlas ialah : " melaksanakan taat semata-mata kerana Allah sendiriNya, bukan di maksudkan memperolehi kebesaran dari manusia, ataupun penghormatan. Dan bukan pula untuk memperolehi sesuatu keuntungan dunia atau menolak sesuatu bencana keduniaan."

Tingkat-tingkat Ikhlas:
1. Melaksanakan ibadah kerana takut akan azab.
2. Melaksanakan ibadah kerana membesarkan Allah.Kerana merasai kehebatan Nya, kerana menuruti dan akur akan seruan Nya dan tiada pula terlintas di hati sesuatu maksud lain.

Lawan pada ikhlas ialah RIAK.

Ikhlas, bunyinya begitu mudah...namun melaksanakannya cukup berat sekali..
~ Aku ikhlas nak tolong kau...
~ I ikhlas buat semua ni...

Ikhlas itu, atau ikhlas ini....
susahnya mentafsir ikhlas yang sebenarnya...tapi yang lebih benar lagi, ikhlas itu bukan hak kita untuk tentukan..ianya hak Allah, kerana hanya dia yang lebih mengetahui...

Untuk diri ku, peringatan ini untuk menjadikan diri lebih peka sebelum membuat tuntutan ikhlas yg dilaksanakan...

Untuk yang lain, tepuk dada dan soallah hati...sejauh mana keikhlasan kita....

Salam Berpuasa semua : )

Ayat-ayat Cinta

2008-08-18T18:51:00.004-05:00

Hari ini rasa terpanggil menjadi pengulas filem...ooopsss bukan pengkritik ya!

Weekend lepas, berpeluang menonton filem ayat-ayat cinta, sebuah filem yang cukup popular di Indonesia. Karya asal saudara Habiburrahman El Shirazy. Sebuah kisah kehidupan seorang pelajar di bumi Mesir yang tidak sepi dengan perasaan cinta dan dicintai...

Bagi seorang seperti aku yang percaya akan kewujudan cinta, aku kira filem ini cukup menyentuh hati, apa lagi menyentuh jiwa seorang isteri yang sanggup melakukan apa sahaja walau kadang perkara itu cukup melukakan hati...

Kisah Fahri, yang aku kira cukup bertuah kerana dicintai oleh 4 wanita...Nurul, Maria, Noura & Aisyah...tapi bukan semua cinta berakhir dengan ikatan perkahwinan...demi cinta manusia jua sanggup melakukan perkara terkeji..sehingga Fahri difitnah dan dipandang hina. Isterinya Aisyah lambang seorang wanita mulia yang sanggup melakukan pengorbanan demi keselamatan dan kebahagian suami, jua memberi ruang buat seorang gadis Kristian bernama Maria mendapat hak/ keadilannya sendiri. Air mata mengalir sama takhala melihat Aisyah menangis apabila Fahri menikahi Maria.

Kisah itu tidak berakhir di saat Fahri menikahi Maria, kisah perkongsian suami juga banyak membuat penonton bermain dengan emosi...

Tak cukup pantas aku membuat kesimpulan ttg cerita ini, tak perlu aku memberi rating berapa bintang untuk filem ini..Namun bagi aku filem ini cukup terkesan, lakonan yang bagus, soundtrack popular, props and setting yang hebat, tauladan yang banyak mengingatkan kita ttg kelalaian kita dlm hubungan lelaki & wanita, ttg manusia yang tidak pernah lepas dari melakukan kesilapan, susahnya berlaku adil dan fitnah yang cukup menyakinkan ( tapi tidak cukup menyakinkan seorang isteri...) ermmm tetiba teringat seorang tokoh politik...maaf tersasar...tapi bagi teman-teman yang belum menonton filem ini, suka aku cadangkan untuk mengisi masa lapang kalian dengan filem ini...mungkin juga review ini agak terlewat ya!

Ayat - ayat Cinta Trailer : http://www.videogully.com/FILEM-AYAT-AYAT-CINTA__fHh2gT99ZTM.html

My Magical Vacation : Part II

2008-08-10T20:16:00.007-05:00

Early morning the next day, we set ourselves ready back to Hong Kong, with only Disneyland in mind we are just like little kids again, eager and excited, I remember I kept looking outside our coach window and searching for the Disneyland landmark or whatsoever. The moment we reach the entrance, we both we so anxious to get down..hehe..

Disneyland HK is considered the smallest Disneyland in the world but still it is DISNEYLAND…the land of fantasy and adventure…the land where all your favorites cartoon character comes to live, the place they reside and play…Like a small community of their own I am totally madly in love with the place.

Its beautiful…No its cute...well its just like a dream...its clean, its fun, its full of colors and full of fun..and yes full of people too…It’s just magical!! Everyone is allowed to become kids again…and yes I did…CH’k did also…huhu. This is both our 2nd trip to Disneyland, where previously I was in Tokyo Disneyland when I was small...but somehow the feeling is just the same...The famous “It’s a small land” is totally in the same tune! CH’k had been to US Disneyland and him also having the same feeling towards this place....

We were so lucky that the weather is a bless the whole day long, at nite we even catch a firework played by the background of the great Sleeping Beauty Castle and creatively spark into the dark sky in the melody of all Disney movie…Everyone goes like wawww…ohhh…hhhaaaaa….claps….beautiful!

In Disneyland we spend our nite in the Hollywood Hotel…I feel like a super star…Everything in the bedroom is being bejeweled with the Mickey Mouse character…I like!! We spend hours taking pictures in the hotel area, the pool is great, the restaurant, the gift shops etc etc…
How I wish there is no tomorrow, how I wish this vacation will never end…but life is a reality…I’ll keep safe this memory of happiness till for ever…Thank You Cinta Hatiku for always making me feel special in the world of only you and me : )

Next year kita gi mana plak ? For me as long as you are there, it’s always good enough for me : )

Remembering 8.8.08

2008-08-08T09:27:00.001-05:00

Tis lucky day, we decided to enjoy dinner n dessert from paddington house of pancakes! Yummy! 8 the symbol of luck? So may health, happiness, wealth n success be with us always..

My Magical Vacation : Part I

2008-08-05T00:18:00.011-05:00

I’m having the fun of my life during our recent annual vacation. This time the destination is Hong Kong & Shenzhen in the Republic of China…

It was nite when we reach HK, the whether is a bit warm as there are facing their summer season during our arrival, we have already expected this whether so we are very much prepared with lot’s of easy clothing and 100% cotton based material being packed…for the skin to breath : )

We spent a nite in a very small room hotel ( probably 3 star hotel) in the Town call Yuo Mei Tei (The Bridal Tea Town). Is very much like our very own Petaling Street area with lots of small stall operator and old building located in the side ways…The hotel is very small but to my surprise it is very complete and super clean.

The next day we were bring for a tour around HK, to my shock HK is a very busy city with public transportation located in every corner you can see. Tall building i.e skyscrapers and city park are everywhere. People were busy walking like small ants. We went to the jewelry factory where I got myself a pair of earring, the tea house, the Aberdeen fishing village, Shopping Street where we had a Muslim food operated by a Muslim Singaporean, Ocean Park the famous theme park in HK and etc...

Tired! Nope, we continued the journey by express train around 45 minutes to the border of Shenzhen we were spend 2 beautiful nite’s in the Felicity Hotel, a five star hotel with spacious room. I saw Tun Dr Mahathir as one of the prominent visitors that they highly look up to :)
In Shenzhen we start our journey by visiting the nearest shopping malls where lot of Yuan and Yuan and Yuan is being spend in the noble objective to promote the Shenzhen people economic growth…haha..

The next day, we went to the Jade Factory where CH’k bought me a 6 colors jade bracelet..Tq dear…hehe, then we went to the silk factory, well I’m not so much into China Silk design over there.. my preference is more into small floral and sweet pastel colors which they dun really have much choice there :( , next we when to the Alternative Medicine Expert…erm boleh caya ke? But at last we still spend into some Chinese Herbal Medicine..after this CH’k will be much mighty and healthy..hehe!

Our next destination is the Splendid China Park, where here they display all kind of historical, interesting, unique and wonderful places located in all over China. Everything is design and built into detail pieces. I salute you Chinese for making and replicating it again!! I was really tired as so much walking is being done. In the evening while enjoying the cultural show (dance and war) we also took chance to take a break from walking :) Ending the day at Splendid China with a decent dinner recommended by our tour guide, well the dinner is very delicious (mutton meat and veggie pie…yummy!!). In fact, we pack some for our late suppers…huhu.

People from My past....

2008-07-24T02:03:00.001-05:00

There something about today that makes me stumbles upon people from my past…

Kind of funny, coz the least you thot about them, the more they draw closer to you…in thot maybe…

The more you try to forget, the more vivid it becomes…

Nope...I dun hate them…I never intended to totally shut them out of my life…at least that was wat I thot when I closed the past behind..sumday we will reconcile back everything…but I never really want dat sumday to happen…

Only sumtimes, when u feels no longer “comfortable” from the people from your past…you tend to take yourself away…too faraway that you lost track of your way back to them…sad…some people can never really change…it skinned them to death…sad…sum stories remain never end…sad…when we have to face reality…sad when the truth hurt..sad..sum ppl can never be called family…

However…people from my past that I stumble upon for the pass few days are long lost frens, noncontact able frens ( residing in the zone of nowhere) , frens who are drown so much in the corporate world and busy life, frens who has been indulging too much on parenthood dat they tend to forget sum frens who have no common possession like them, or fren dat suddenly appear to ring the wedding bells ( nice wedding card this day huh?) , frens who I thot will never meet again etc etc…none from the “comfortable” zone person..
Weird how today I thought a lot about them…

How are they doing? Are they happy with their life? Do they have their own family? What would I say if we meet again? Will I still look at them they way I used too look at? Will they still remember what we used to chat? Etc etc….sumtimes I miss them the most + sumtimes I just dun…I guess it’s better to keep distance this way…

One thing for sure, my Dear Husband has always been in my past, presence and Insya-Allah in futures to come…

The Sudden Escapade

2008-07-11T03:43:00.010-05:00

Sumtimes…No!...I mean most of the time I kinda act spontaneously in life, especially event that dun need much attention and resources…ahaks.

Yesterday was an example of one…

I was super miserable + sick + sad and in the need of sumone who can be by my side at least all day long…

Of coz, who else would voluntarily being the one but my CintaHati…he’s always there for me, by the word always… I mean he’s been there every time I’m down and needed support…Dia Doktor Hatiku…: ))

I wish that everyone in love or couples would be blessed with someone like him…He’s just the best..Opps am I praising him too much…sorry but I was just so touched by his kindness act yesterday…

So in the quest of making her beloved wife smile and being cheerful again, he decided to take a day leave from his busy schedule and take a route of an escape to Genting Highland…

And yes, he brought smile to my dull face...he fills my day…he listen attentively to all my sorrows…he wipe my tears…he provide me comfort and so much more…I feel like singing..lalala

Want more I want from him?…nothing actually...I just hope that he’ll stay this way…till the end of time…Thank You God for allowing him to be part of me…

I cry ; (

2008-06-21T23:23:00.007-05:00

I was watching the Incredible Hulk Movie when I realised that I've been crying silently almost the whole time of the movie. As usual Cinta Hati will wipe my tears with a smile and his gentle touch. I ask myself why was I crying ( well this isn't the 1st time I cry while watching movie, or even commercial ads..I guess I'm easily touch..yeah that women kind of thing : ))
A'way while talking to Cinta Hati, I told him I cry becoz :

I cry for the feeling of loneliness that Bruce must have felt over the years of his survival. It seems to really touch my heart to see how he fills his time to keep up with his loneliness...

I cry coz I can't bear looking at 2 person who's deeply in love has to live separately for the rest of their life, when we love a person, being apart is just an unbearable feeling...

I cry coz I can feel how difficult it is to put your life in danger for the sake of the one you love, sumtimes we even risk our life in the hand of the of the person that we love, but the whole world see how bad he/she is...just imagine the life of the convicted murderer or drug addict wife/husband...

I cry coz of the sacrifice that a lover will do to protect the one that we love....

I cry for all those reasons which is clearly potray in that movie...that all person in love should / will have a kind heart....

P/s : "Tuhan kirimkanlah Aku, Kekasih yang baik hati, Yg Mencintai Aku, Apa adanya..."
Munajat Cinta / Dhani

I'm Tired

2008-06-12T04:00:00.003-05:00

The only thing that I feel now is the feeling of tired.....

I'm tired for being apart from my beloved hubby ...
I'm tired to keep up with so many things to do at the office..
I'm tired to hear the same old excuse that this people are giving to me...
I'm tired of facing the same story from the same people everyday...
I'm tired of racing to get to work, and tired of driving facing the traffic..
I'm tired of trying to finish e'thing on time while other ppl are not....
I'm tired to do a lot of thing, and yes I'm tired coz I've no other choice but to accept e'thing with a happy feeling.......

I'm tired of listening to my own dilemma, complaints and conflict in my own self...
I'm tired of even having to write this...

P/s : I'm surviving this period only becoz I believe tomorrow will be better...and coming end July I'll be going off for a peaceful vacation...which I hope will erased every moment of my tiredness........

::Berduka::

2008-05-28T07:04:00.002-05:00

~Hilang~

Hilang semua janji
Semua mimpi-mimpi indah
Hancur hati ini
Melihat semua ini

Lenyap telah lenyap
Kebahagian di hati
Ku hanya bisa
Menangisi semua ini
Hancur hati ini
Melihat kau telah pergi

Langit menjadi
Gelap berkelabu
Menyelimuti hatiku
Mengubah seluruh hidupku
Mengapa semua jadi begini
Perpisahan yang terjadi
Diantara kita berdua

Ku akan menanti
Sebuah keajaiban
Yang membuat kita
Bisa bersama kembali

Physically challenge :(

2008-05-23T08:05:00.004-05:00

18/ 19th May 2008

I did everything that any wife would do...
Since early morning I’ve been busy with house chores from cleaning, laundering, cooking and even baking!!
I’ve done all I could to fill my day with house list full activities...and I’m doing everything with great feeling of joy...

20th May 2008 till the moment I'm blogging on this

Totally physically challenge I am with any rough movement (yes rough would be the best word to describe my movement when I’m physically fit). Getting help from those people who is taking care of me...Help with moving, walking, taking things and etcetera.
It even make your mind goes really slow...sigh

I’m weak...and how today I wish I’m fit again... For a moment, I appreciate each movement I’ve made before.
Hoping for a speedy recovery so that I can go hyper again : )

8th of May

2008-05-07T23:09:00.004-05:00

8th of May come again…

Nope, it’s not our wedding anniversary…but it’s the 10 years of our togetherness…

Time is no measurement, for I know ( God willing, Insya-allah ) we shall be together for the next 20 or 30 or 50 or even 100 years later.....you still remember do you, when you said you wanna grow old with me..till we loose our teeth : )

The same date when Cinta Hati enlightens my heart, sincerely telling me how he felt for me…
And since that date...The story continues…

My Dear,

True love stories never have endings and true couples will remain to be the main character in the stories of their own.

Thank you for everything that you have done for me, for your constant support and motivation for all the years that has been and will be…

Yours,

:::::::::::::::::::::::::

I’ll never give up on you….

2008-04-23T23:34:00.005-05:00

This morning, a phone call from a friend makes me shed my tears…
Tears of happiness and tears of hope…

She shared with me a story about a woman that has been waiting for 12 years to have her own child…and finally her prayers was answered without she even realize it until the doctor inform her that she was 5 months pregnant. Upon hearing the doctor saying, she cried and thank God for the wonderful gift...I cry coz I can imagine how she must have felt at that moment...
12 years...And God finally bestowed upon His blessing to this lady…

I’ve been asking a lot to myself, when will my turn come and this story make me realized that my complaints is just to little to be compared to the 12 years of waiting…
This story make me even stronger and motivates me to keep hoping and praying that this period of waiting will someday end to the right closure.
Insyallah…

::To my other friends whom you know who you are, I’m sure everything happens for a reason, reasons that will always keep us close to what we belief…and for that we shall keep trying, hoping and praying that we too will someday become a mother…

A refrigerator monolog??

2008-04-22T00:56:00.006-05:00

I have a weird habit lately where I can sat still in front my "Lappy Daisy " and browsed the net just to find pictures that matches / excite me for the day. Last weekend I was so into pastel blue and white and I can keep on searching till I dun realised that I've waste so much time doing that..This morning, I kind of remember the coloured fridge by SMEG for no particular reason and start searching for it. FYI, it's available in KL coz, I've seen the advertisement everywhere.. I do remember when I ask my ex-collegue Prasaj last time.. "Fren, where can i get a green refrigerator"..he responded " why do you even need a colored fridge?".."well to match my house colour scheme..all I see is the big silver box ( referiing to the fridge) and I dun fancy them that much.." He just laugh and say "women and their attraction to physical thing" ..

Yes I know how high tech ( i mean the not so nice thingy) it can be..but deep inside I'm still a person that is more into looks rather than functionality huhu (yes physical attraction )..oh so sad to admit this..no i'm no BIMBO!!, It's just that colours + beauty really catches my eyes and attention..( how shallow this sounds??) so that was the first time I get to know about SMEG, but it's expensive ( factor that swap me back into reality) !! Way beyond cinta hati and my budget..so in the end we settled for that typical big silver box again.........which is 4 times cheaper!!

But it's ok to keep the picture rite..and keep dreaming hehe.

Glad to be Home

2008-04-01T21:49:00.001-05:00

Alhamdulilah I’m back in one piece from the most tiring course ever, (not physically but mentally)..

I’ve been entering in and out from class/ lecture hall from day 1 to day 28 since morning to nite, almost e’day… it’s been quite an experience to be there..but I’m glad and I’m proud that I managed to pull through the whole course except for few exceptional cases when I felt sick for almost 4 days..the gud thing is that though people that care most for me is so far from my sight, but new encounter whom you thought will be strangers in the beginning now turn to be a good frens within a very short period of time..may our frenship remains.

So many things to be told, but i just do not where to begin..all I know, every beginning will be followed by the ending at the end of the journey, the earlier part is always difficult..new place, new frens, new environment, new culture but the same old me, I guess it doesn’t blend quite well as I’m still adjusting to the new thing..but as the journey took place..e’thing went just nice and well, and come to the end..it is sad to say goodbye to each other coz, only god knows when will we see each other again especially for those in east malaysia ( my roomy )…that nite during the closing dinner…”kenangan terindah” song was played and it suits more than ever to my ears.. : ) and that ‘doa perpisahan song’ always make me cry..instantly when it played, so many things seem to be reminisced from my mind…

It is so good to be back home and to be with my sweet hubby that I miss all the time when I was there..

My dearest parents stayed overnight with me the moment I reached home..I guess they miss me just as much I miss them ..thks for their prayers..Insyallah I’ll pass with a wide smile on my face : )

To my normal and routine life, I miss you and I’ll treasure you even more..

Lecture.

2008-03-12T21:53:00.001-05:00

This has been my daily routine for the past 2 weeks. From am to pm. Another 2 weeks to go, b4 going back home...

My Shweettt Anniversary : )

2008-02-29T10:38:00.005-06:00

This entry is supposed to be updated right after my anniversary day, but with my newest routine at that time, I’ve been delaying to post this entry. Delayed or not, I still wanna post this huh..hehe..I’m in the mood of LOVE and RINDU since I’ll be leaving my Cinta Hati for the course sumwhere in Ulu Selangor call Sabak Bernam..I’m kidda of sad to leave behind my Cinta Hati and Mysury my beloved home...But upon signing the closure with “ saya yg menurut perintah” I guess I wil have to go : (

Anyway,
Alhamdulillah, this year is the 2nd year since we tie the knot of commitment. I’ve always been thankful with this wonderful gift from Allah to have you as part of my life...And yes will be my answer to you even if you ask me for a million times. (Will you marry me?)
Enjoy sum pic that we took on dat special days of ours..

Someone's Watching Over Me

2008-02-24T07:23:00.005-06:00

I guess I'm not feeling really ok..

Been really depressed and sad..for the same usual thing that have never really left my heads..

when its gone, i mean when i dun think of it..my life is 111% ok..but when it came back ..it's the most depressing and painful feeling ever...but hye..this will not stop me from being happy with my life...i just need sumone to tap me in the shoulder and assure that e'thing will be okay..and for wateva reasons..I always believe in him..thank you cinta hati for always watching over me...

Found myself todayOh I found myself and ran awayBut something pulled me backA voice of reason I forgot I hadAll I know is you're not here to sayWhat you always used to sayBut it's written in the sky tonightSo I won't give upNo I won't break downSooner than it seems life turns aroundAnd I will be strong Even if it all goes wrongWhen I'm standing in the dark I'll still believeSomeone's watching over meI've seen that ray of lightAnd it's shining on my destinyShining all the timeAnd I wont be afraidTo follow everywhere it's taking meAll I know is yesterday is goneAnd right now I belongTo this moment to my dreamsSo I won't give upNo I won't break downSooner than it seems life turns aroundAnd I will be strong Even if it all goes wrongWhen I'm standing in the dark I'll still believeSomeone's watching over meIt doesn't matter what people sayAnd it doesn't matter how long it takesBelieve in yourself and you'll findIt only matters how true you areBe true to yourself and follow your heartSo I won't give upNo I won't break downSooner than it seems life turns aroundAnd I will be strong Even if it all goes wrongWhen I'm standing in the dark I'll still believeThat I won't give upNo I won't break downSooner than it seems life turns aroundAnd I will be strong Even when it all goes wrongWhen I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe That someone's watching overSomeone's watching overSomeone's watching over Someone's watching over me...

(and thanks to Hillary Duff for singing.. as it kidda of lift my spirits and hope once again: ))

Home Sweet Home aka Micasa

2008-02-20T09:52:00.008-06:00

Since the idea of having our own house and moving to our own house, I've been totally obsess of thinking, creating all kind of concept that can really suits our taste. But always deep inside I've always picturise my house to have the english concept i.e all pastel colours, with stripes and flower combination fabric, white furniture, border concept and etc. As my mum told me..since I was little ( dah pandai nak kata cantik tak cantik la tu), I always use the phrase "mama buat macam english style la". ( masa tu tak tahu pun laura ashley ke? or Biggie Best ke? yg tahu everytime watching those mat salleh movie, I've always fall in lurve with their style.. and imagining one fine day I'm gonna have that kind of interior..aduh being a melayu mur*** ke ni...ahaks...Till at one time, mama kata ko igt ko tu mat saleh ker? Coz she has always been more the oriental type / taste. But eventually she appreciate my liking : ) , Cinta hati pun mengalah je la..hehe..During our dating time, ya apart from watching movie, or makan sama2 we would actually spend our time window shopping and dreams at the furniture and household department..although he dun quite approved my interest and liking ( too girlish he condemned) but over the years he kindda go with me..A'way there is so many things yet to be done in this little house of us, ( of coz, every single item is keputusan bersama ; )but we gonna take a baby steps towards it k,....till then, this are sum pic that I took while enjoying this obsession of mine

At this point of time, I'm very much happy with this love nest that cinta hati has created for us.

I hope and pray that sumday, i'll be blessed with my own kids to share this beautiful place that we called home.

Semalam Ku Bermimpi

2008-02-18T20:07:00.002-06:00

Malam ku bermimpi Hai dengan satu bintang Berkata-kata ku di jendela Ku lihat kanda tersenyum memandang Asmara bergelora Meresap ke dada Malam ku terlihat Oh sekuntumlah bunga Baunya harum menarik hati Tak sanggup menahan rasa asmara Meresap mendalam Mengusik di jiwa Sayang jauh di balik awan Wajahmu tetap berseri-seri Laksana bulan sedang mengambang Menawan dan menggoncang dalam kalbu Oh angin meniup Bawa daku ke sana Hasratku ingin bersama-sama Tak tahan rasa hati menderita Gelora asmara Selalu menggoda
The music keep on playin in my head since this morning...weird!!
Takde la pulak teringat kan Arwah P.Ramlee and Saloma, cuma tak sengaja kot..

Cinta hati, bersama dgn dia bukan lagi mimpi..tapi kenyataan yg cuma perlu digenggam erat..
bak kata tag iklan nokia "bila segalanya serba sempurna, genggamlah seeratnya". Its an advertisement yg terpampang besar di papan bill board Jln Loke Yew, tapi the meaning if you really understand, its way too meaningfull to be held as a phone tag..Yeah, mana ader hidup yg sempurna, tapi serba tu mungkin..and yes I'm thankful with each breath that I take..every morning and nite that i can wake up and sleep with no fear and worries. Sampai asyik mimpi je erk..hehe..oh now i know why that song keep playing in my head...

TIDUR YG NYENYAK + CINTA HATI BY MYSIDE + MIMPI YG INDAH...= SEMALAM KU BERMIMPI

Thank You Allah.

Why am i melalut ni, nah..I am actually getting ready for another kursus in Putrajaya, so I better get going..catch ya later..

Ice cream anyone?

2008-02-04T08:28:00.001-06:00

In the mood of yummylicious!

OPT FOR THE COLOURED STONE

2008-01-30T20:10:00.000-06:00

Some people say that diamonds are truly a girls befriends, like an unspoken benchmark or rule, diamond tend to be the chosen stone to seal the wedding or the engagement moment.
But have you ever thought about the colored /gemstones? I’ve been eyeing sum beautiful colored gemstones ring over the pass few month and decided to run a few check up on it. From my reading, this precious stone actually carry a symbolic meaning accordingly by each color, which relate to your birth month, birth stone, color and meaning.

Jan GARNET – RED Protect from nightmares and guidance through dark
Feb AMETHYST-PURPLE Peace & Protection, Sobriety and Tranquility
Mac AQUAMARINE-TURQUOISE Love, Hope and Health, Making New Friends
Apr DIAMOND – CLEAR Love, Eternity & Strength
May EMERALD – GREEN Curing Ailment and Magical Effect
June PEARL-CREAM Chastity and Modesty
July RUBY – RED Protection & Harmony
Aug PERIDOT – LIME GREEN Protect against evil and terrors of the night
Sept SAPPHIRE – BLUE Faith and Purity
Oct OPAL – WHITE / BLACK Hope, Innocence and Purity
Nov TOPAZ -Various colors Sanity, Life & Strength
Dec TURQUOISE -BLUEGREEN Happiness, fortune and Luck.

Running through sum entry on the net, colored stone varies in price depending on the grade, origin of the stone, color, clarity and cut. However, this stone is less expensive comparing to the diamond, so it means that you can get a bigger one. The want that is in trend nowadays is the multicolored gemstones, i.e the ring is being made up with multi colored stones, and sum even with small diamond surrounding it .

So to all ladies out there, why not opt for these beautifully gorgeous gemstones as the symbol of your love to eternity. Make it colorful with various good meaning to you love life : )

P/ S : Maybe i'm just in the most happiest mode of my life now, coz I see and attracted to beutifully gorgeous colored thingy : )

Very Soon

2008-01-28T21:58:00.000-06:00

Very soon we will meet and personalised each other life : )

W Forty One Updates

2008-01-25T00:59:00.000-06:00

Its been quite sumtimes after my last entry.
So here I'm am, resting in my new work place. Sitting comfortably and browsing the internet after a while of not able to do so. My partner the other W41 is not around today, she on MC, perhaps too tired after yesterday journey of getting up and down the stairs, car, hills and lift just to search for this "wonderful office". So here I am..

The size of this room is very much okay for 2 persons..
but the interior definitely need a lot of improvement.
Yeah i know it's an old building but hey, older can actually make you more stylo than ever rite.
Me dun mind, I'm very much okay here. Coz I finally have a room, which mean I can work on private. Saje duduk menghadap pintu, so that I can eye around ; )

Anyway, I thot of updating a few things here,
things that has really changed me since i joined this place :

- Get used to be called Puan..and yes I can sense that people older that you are actually talking with respect to you. Selamat Pagi Puan, Puan dah makan? Puan itu, Puan ini..etc

- Thinking, selecting and ironing my baju kurung on daily basis, this really reminds me of the gud old days during my student life in IIUM. Only now, I have to be more picky selecting the best material and matching tudung, well in the environment where everyone is wearing the same style, only one taste and unique choices can bring the aura in you. Nope I'm not wearing the kasut jururawat, still using my pointed shoes, me dun care...

-Adjusting my self with all the kakak-kakak and abang -abang where they are your staff reporting to you. Very few of them that is within the same age like me. In one side you got to be sterned and maintain your profesionalism, but on the other hand to treat them with respect and humble attitude. The good things is, surrounded by this motherly and fatherly environment, making me feel safe and always being guarded with good values.

-Eating nasi for lunch ( yup the choices of lauk is very much confusing the state of mind and the price is very cheap comparing to the previous place), rice is the main source of carb for us malaysian, i.e for the past few weeks, I'm one of the million malaysian that has been consuming carb as my main foods and yes..I do feel a bit heavier now days..ahaks!!

-Leaving my house as early as 7'oclock in the morning to beat the traffics and punch early to the office ( nope we dun used that zaman batu punya punch card like previously where the marks are in red or blue colours but we used the swipe card instead, so who dare to say that the G is old fashioned huh? My earliest exit from house previously was 7.20 ~ 7.30 and i dun really mind being marked with those red colors. but I've changed now..I hope is for the good huh??

-All of a sudden, cintahati rajin pulak menghantar dan menjemput ke ofis, of coz that is a gud sign for me, bila tiba rasa malas, merengek, maka pujukla cintahati htr to ofis :) He just called to pick me up at 5 pm sharp. At least we have sum quality time to chat and updates or up and down for the day.

-Get used to all this G short forms such KEMPEN for Kementerian Penerangan, SAD for Sistem Akaun Sendiri and many more that make me look really blur and blanks when this loyal people around here was talking. Gosh, I got to really learnt fast to move together with them huh..

- Yup 1 last final thing, I guess my FRIDAY break will be the most damaging time of the weeks, with all the small stalls selling ladies attraction product..from tudung, kain pasang, telekung, cakes, asam/jeruk and small jewelleries like bracelet and brooch. Each time i told myself not to buy a'thing, and each time i faill..i dun like that.. : (

Will be updating more later..

P/s : Lebih byk berdiam diri dan mendengar, cuma ketawa, senyum dan bersuara sekali sekala serta lebih byk mengangguk atau menggeleng simbol setuju atau tidak..itu aku sejak beberapa minggu yg lalu..Puan yg satu ini nmpk lembut dan baik org nyer..masih muda dan manis..ermm untuk yg berkata begitu...kita tunggu kay smp bila Puan ini akan begini erk..hehe..

Gudbye is not forever

2008-01-10T22:13:00.000-06:00

Assalamualaikum
Peace be upon you all..

I wish to tell that my time has come to bid farewell to everyone in XXXX.
Yup, today is my last day here. I was hoping to meet each one of you and thank you personally but in case I cannot make it, please treat this mail as one.
I'm taking this opportunity to thank all of you for being such a great friends, colleagues & bosses.
In life almost all the time we have to make choices, choices that sometimes we are so unsure of the outcome. I still have a long way to go but life is merely a short journey hence we always hope that we make the right choice along the way.
Leaving XXXX is one of the most difficult choices that I've to made, yet the decision has been made exactly 2 weeks ago and I pray that this is the best choice that I made for the time being.
I know, I'm leaving a great place behind, but I'll bring over the experience & knowledge with me.
To all my bosses or superior that I used to report to,
Thank you so much for all the advice, the guidance and patience that you showed to me. Especially to Mr Philip, Dr Badrul, Mr Teo, Ms Chua and Herbert, you guys are good in what you are doing, do keep it up.
To my entire colleague, I wish you all continued success in whatever you are doing or wish to do. Our lives has taken us on different roads, let’s just hope our roads will cross one day and we will once again say hi in each other way with happy faces.

To all my closest friends and partner in crime : ), I’ll sure will miss you all a lot, but lets not say goodbye to each other just yet, coz in many years and time to come, I’m sure you guys will be part of me, god willing. As live move on, I’m sure we will make new friends; even so I will always enjoy your company.

I’m taking this chance also to say sorry for any mistakes, misunderstanding and wrong doings that I’ve made be it accidentally or not. I hope we can forgive each other, and lets take it from here to start a new one.

For those who are still interested to stay in touch with me : ), you are most welcome to do so.
Do contact me at 012 xxxx xxx / xxx@yahoo.com ( email / YM)

Love and Regards.
Pray the best for me !

Surprise!!

2008-01-04T03:01:00.000-06:00

With them,
u can never expect what will happen..expect the unexpected...
each with different character of their own, they have touch my heart, my life and my daily routine with many
colors and personality.
this year, it's a bit hard to accept that it will be the last year to celebrate my getting old day with them..
the surprises make's me really touch..
babes, i wanna thank you to be part of my life..u guls are among the most significant dearly people that i met in edar, this entry is dedicated to you babes..
Mya - My first so called mentor in Edar, thanks for inviting me in the circle. I hope we will be frens forever and ever..promise that we will always call each other no matter wat, may we become a succesful entrepeneur..Go Lace and Beads..yeah another one, do consider to be my neighbour okie. its a good buy there really ..hehe..

Ema - I like you the first time i saw u, coz at that time u r very shy and timid, but after getting to know u..Masyallah..kepoh jugak minah ni,,ahaks.
Thanks for trusting in me, i sumtimes dun trust myself : ) I promise here, that i'll attend your wedding day no matter where : ) and i hope u pick the right guy to be ur man, insya-allah.

Sarra - The one person that i never thot i can be closed wif, ( coz u talk less among us at that time nak match ngan I yg mmg ckp tahap mutan level 4, mya level 5 hehe) but time prove me wrong, now we always pick and choose the same thing almost all the time. Warrgh..De Javu..I'm sorry coz I have to be the one to say gudbye to Strategic Planning 1st. In the time soon , I pray that you will get want you really want k. You too I hope will pick the right guy to be ur man, insya-allah.

Kak Hana - Perasan matured but no so lah..hehe, always a shoulder to cry on, thks for all the support and advise that you're willing to share with me. i always think of you as the big sister amongst us, so u better act like one tau..
I'll miss ur nescafe panas yg selalu i sip bila u lalu..hehe.

I definitely know that i can neva get a bunch of wacko, crack, hyper, fun and etc type of fren like you guys..
Me lurve you all from the very bottom of my heart...and THANK YOU SO MUCH for e'thing we share..
plus thanks for the donut ala Cakes and the Cute and Adorable Green Kettle..jemputlah ke rumah..i'll make hot drinks for you all ; ))

Wat d lady is cookin!

2008-01-03T06:34:00.001-06:00

E'thing i do it 4u my lurve. This dinner is cooked specially for sweet hubby. Yummy, healthy n guarantee to make ur tummy smiling :) bon appetite!

Jenga to countdown

2008-01-01T10:17:00.001-06:00

Closing down the curtain of 2007 by playing dis simple yet
interesting physical balance of game wif one hand.
Just a few minutes to 2008, n i'm happily resting at our new home
(d ultimate obsession of 2007 for both of us)
The whole year have been a fruitfull year and overall I'm satisfied wif what God bless &
shower upon us.
We welcome 2008 with great anticipation of even more happiness and peacefulness.
To all my dearest, Happy New Year.
It's a new beginning, so set your gear ready to dis wonderful journey we call LIFE.

Twintower Bottle

2007-12-30T09:49:00.001-06:00

I took dis pic while about to sleep, n for no particular reason but trying 2b creative in d middle of d nite. Perhaps it resemble me n my sweet hubby resting in dis proud bedroom of us. Nite nite.

The next step.

2007-12-27T21:42:00.000-06:00

xxxxxx
xxxxx, xxxxx Shah Alam xxxxx
47600 Subang JayaSelangor Darul Ehsan

Attention : xxxxx Head of Dept
Cc : xxxxxxHead of HR

RESIGNATION

With reference to the above, I hereby respectfully submit notice of my resignation effective from the date of this letter.

Kindly take note that my last date of duty shall be on the 15th of January 2008.

Allow me to take this opportunity to thank the company for giving me the chance to be part of this dynamic organization. As a token of my appreciation, I shall be pleased to assist in whatever way I can during the transition period. Please feel free to contact me.

I have enjoyed working with XXXX and appreciate the support provided to me during my tenure with this company.

Lastly, I wish the company a continued success in many years to come.

Thank You.

Yours sincerely,

NXX MXXXiXNa

"One of the most tough decision that I've to made as a so called grown up. Once decide, no turning back for me. I hope and pray this is the best for this time being".

The result !!

2007-12-27T21:12:00.000-06:00

Tahniah ! Anda telah berjaya dan surat tawaran akan dikeluarkan oleh Kementerian/Jabatan berkenaan.
Kementerian/Jabatan :
JABATAN AKAUNTAN NEGARA MALAYSIA, BHG. PENGURUSAN KORPORAT & SOKONGAN ARAS 7, LOT 2G1A, PRECIENT 2, KOMP. KEWANGAN, 62592 PUTRAJAYA.

This make's me smile all day, nervous and wacko of what to decide, what is my next step...

2007 . 2008

2007-12-18T19:37:00.000-06:00

Dalam keadaan yg cukup sedar dan waras..
Aku pasti setahun ini hampir berlalu..
Mula lah azam tahun baru kedengaran sana sini
Promosi hujung tahun pun ada kat mana-mana
Cuti hujung tahun pun bermula
Kenduri kawin hampir tiap2 minggu...
2007 sudah cukup penat dan puas melayani kerenah dunia ini..
2007 akan pulang dengan sebuah cerita yg abadi..
2008 pula menjengah tiba..
2008 yg bakal menjanjikan seribu kenangan indah, seribu satu harapan dan impian...
Aku..
2007 tahun yg ku abadikan sebagai tahun yg cukup memuaskan..
Adanya keputusan mendadak yg aku harap dapat mengukuhkan keputusan masa depan..
Yg sekeliling ku pun sama..
pendek kata, 2007 aku berkeputusan mengikut impulse, mengikut gerak rasa..
Entah betul entahkan tidak..namun aku cuba berasa yakin dgn semua keputusan yg diambil.

Aku..
2008 tahun yg aku sendiri tak begitu pasti apa yg akan berlaku.
Namun aku pasti 2008 akan mencubakan,
Tahun untuk aku lebih berdikari.
Tahun untuk aku belajar menerima kenyataan dan hakikat.
Tahun untuk aku lebih berpijak di bumi yg nyata ini..
Tahun untuk aku belajar lebih bersyukur...
Tahun untuk aku berkongsi lebih dgn yg lebih memerlukan..
Tahun untuk aku lebih memaafkan dan pohon maaf..

Azam tahun baruku...
Untuk Tidur dgn azam hari esok..
Dan Bangun dgn azam semalam...
Insya-Allah..

My Father My Mentor

2007-12-11T20:34:00.000-06:00

Yesterday...
I look at his face..
in his deep thought and wise saying
i listen attentively..
holding to every words of wisdom that he was saying..
vital for the path i'm in..

Gosh how i miss those days.
how we always share our everyday story..
how i complaint almost about e'thing and how he never ever turn his listening ears..
how he critised me to be a better person
and how he praised me to make me feel i'm good enough to earn his score.

Yet, yesterday...i feel that i've created a small gap..
i know i'm no longer that sweet little gul i used to be
i've change and this changes is for a gud reason..

How i wanna cry and hold you thight..
spill out how weak i am inside..
i need u back just the way it used to be
so u will tell me that e'thing will be ok..
and i know u can make e'thing ok for me again..
today things have choose to be this way..
i can only share certain portion of my life with you...
those are neccessary for my other half of life..where only your teachings and values prevail..

This entry is dedicated to my Papa...who has been more than just a father..my guru in life...
my best and worst friend..my humble and deepest thought..my spiritual and physical scale..

Countryman

2007-12-05T18:41:00.000-06:00

Gud morning e’one,
So did e’one had a nice sleep last nite..
While I didn’t, doesn’t mean a’one can rite?

I had a weird dream last nite,
Become a suspect of a traitor, a culprit behind the illegal assembly of a minority group of an unsatisfied civilian.
My face was glued on every corner around the city block,
And repeatedly shown on all TV channel..
I become the hot suspect, top list on the confidential file..
I had to change my look, my long hair was cut to a boyish style..
Gud frens turn against me..
I was terrified to see all the policeman and army with guns searching robustly for me…
Finally in the quest of searching for my own safety..I woke up sweating,,
How relieved I was…saw my sweet hubby was sleeping deep in his own dream..
“ Tidur Sebatal..Mimpi Lain-lain”

This morning I did a post- mortem…
It was becoz of the email circulated in the office that brough me into that dream..
It was becoz of the political discussion I had with my dad that brought me into that dream..
It was becoz of an article I read that nite that brought me into that dream..
And Finally becoz of the care I have for my Beloved Malaysian..that I had that dream..

This morning, on my way to work, I prayed for all Malaysian to live in this wonderful country of ours..
Put aside our belief and opposite thought…
Our great ancestor has fought for the freedom..we should play a role to keep it..

Donna The Cat

2007-11-29T19:18:00.001-06:00

adopt your own virtual pet!

Where am I now...??

2007-11-29T02:55:00.000-06:00

it's been almost a week now...
i'm ok, but somehow i sense sumthing is not rite bout this thing..
now start questioning over my comittment towards it..
start to feel teribble about how to react..
start to feel guilty all the time.
and my long kept dream start to question their every rights..

i guess i'm not really okay..
less shud i be happy..
i'm accomodating to this part of life...
half lie, half truth..
half happiness, half sadness
half hope, half dream..
half u and half me...

slowly it start to shows..
i can neva be that person..
i can neva be like her..
though i adore her so very much..
but we are just 2 different individual with 2 different personality...
i accept it just the way it is..( a tiny voice whisper intensely..you can be her...you can be e'thing you wanna be)
aha..yeah rite...with the same basic foundation in education, in upbringing and circle of equality..i can be her...
shud i give it a try...

Answer : I'm not sure yet......

Time to move on

2007-11-09T01:39:00.000-06:00

Finally, there is a light along the hallway.

It’s been a while since I hold this position.
Position that I never imagined that I could handle.
With zero knowledge I start and eventually was able to get a hold of it, which I can consider as good, not very much excellence but it was okay and getting better each coming day.

Although I can feel that the love is slowly blooming,
But deep inside I always knew that this is not what I really want.
I can be good at it, but that’s because I have to,
If I think about it, maybe I’m not pushing to my limits in this position that I hold, and its only because I do not love you in the first place.
I was force to love you and yes I decided long time ago to take you as only a brief destination before I can grew my love to the place it belongs.

Few weeks ago, I met a new place, it’s not technically new since we have met way back then, during my confused state of mind, I guess fate determined that we met again but this time around in a different situations.

You have grew, grew with many colours and talent,
By hearing and observing you, my long lost hope seems to shimmer from every angle I look at , and that makes me happy, at least this time around there is a hope, hope that is possible to amend into reality, at least that what I pray inside.

So to the new position, do well come me with great hopes and opportunity.
To my present position, I tender my farewell to you and do let me depart with blessing.
Fate will once again decide whether we shall encounter in the future ahead.

P/s: I just hope and pray that e’thing will went well. InsyaAllah + Amin.

( I can't Think of a suitable title la )..

2007-11-02T04:58:00.000-05:00

Tetiba terasa nak menulis...maka ini hasilnya..
A fren of mine said, org yg sedih suka tulis kisah gembira, org yg gembira suka pulak tulis kisah sedih..sejauh mana kebenaran tu..i leave it to you...

Pagi itu aku bangun dengan penuh rasa syukur, sehari lagi aku diberi peluang mengecapi manisnya hidup ini.....
Ku toleh ke kiri, suami tercinta masik enak tidur..
Satu kucupan yg penuh kasih sayang ku abadikan ke dahinya..
Lantas ku bangun menuju ke kamar mandi dan mengangkat wudhu..
Lalu mengerakkan suami tercinta untuk menunaikan solat subuh berjemaah..
Panjang doa dan wiridnya pagi itu, tak seperti selalu namun aku tekun mendengar dan menadah tangan..
Sesudah mengaminkan doa, aku bingkas bangun mendapatkan tangannya, lantas ku kucup dgn lembut,
Dia rapat menghampiriku..lalu merenung bola mata ku dlm...
"Sayang, abang bersyukur dikurniakan isteri seperti sayang, moga jodoh kita dipanjangkan Allah hendaknya.."
Aku membalas kata2 nya itu dgn senyuman...
Bersiap seala kadar,
Lalu aku lekas turun ke dapur, untuk menyediakan sarapan suami tercinta..
Si kecil molek masih tidur di bilik sebelah..
Pagi itu entah kenapa terasa rajin pula nak memasak ...
Nasi semalam masih ader, lalu menu utama pagi itu nasi goreng dan telur rebus..
kopi o panas kegemaran suami melengkap kan menu pagi itu..
"Amboi, sedap nye bau masakan isteri abang nih.."
"erm rasa dulu..baru boleh puji tau"..balasku..
Segaknya suamiku di pagi ini,
Berkemaja putih berjalur kelabu, dgn cuffling hitam di kiri kanan lengan, berseluar slack hitam gelap,
Lengkap pula dgn bertali leher kotak-kotak warna biru dan kelabu..
Wangian dari Aqua di' Armani menusuk pula ke segenap dirinya..
Dia turun dgn briefcase hitam di sisi..persis seorang ahli korporat yg berjaya..
Terbit rasa bangga tika memandang dia..
Kami berbual kosong tapi entah kenapa aku terasa lain..
Terasa pelik melihat dirinyer yg bercoletah agak lama dr selalu..banyak betul gelak ketawa yg di kongsi di pagi hari itu..
Suratkhabar Utusan yg kuletak disisinya pun tidak di sentuh..
Ah'mungkin tiada urusan penting di pejabat agaknya.. bisik hati kecil ku..jika tidak tentu nak lekas aje..
"Ayah!"....
Si kecik molek turun dgn bantal busuk di usung sekali..
si comel ni, pantang nampak ayahnya, mesti nama itu yg akan disebut selalu..
"Ayah nak g teje ke...Nadira nak itut...nak itut...nak naik kete ayah..."
"meh sini kat ayah sayang", si kecil molek terus berada di dlm dakapan suami ku...
"Ucuk nyer anak ayah ni...budak bucuk tak boleh ikut, kena mandi dulu...tinggal ngan ibu ye sayang, ptg nnt ayah belikan Nadira aiskrim ye..."
si kecil beralih pula ke dakapan ku..
anak kecil itu ku cium bertalu2..sayang anak ibu yg sorang ni..
dlm pelukan ku si kecil terlena semula..
"sayang, bye2 ayah" ..ku gerakkan si kecil..mata bundar nya kembali bersinar..
"ptg nnt ayah beli aiskrim coklat" ye tutur Nadira yg masih pelat ...sama ajer perangai dgn ayahnya..aiskrim perisa coklat kegemaran mereka berdua..
"Abang pergi dulu.."
Dia hulurkan tgn padaku, terusku salam dan cium tgnnya..dahi ku pula diciumnya..
pesan dia..."Jaga diri dan Nadira elok2 ye sayang..nnt kita jumpa lagi.."

"Aduh"..terhiris berdarah jari telunjuk kiriku tika memotong bawang..darah pekat mengalir,
Nadira pula dtg berlari.."ibu ibu..Nadira takut bu".."takut apa syg??" "Tu tu ader org pakai baju putih kat luar.."
"dia kata assalamualaikum"...."mana?", aku bingkas ke ruang depan..
takder sesiapa pun di balik pagar..anak kecil ku ini..entah kenapa agaknya..
Namun mata ku terus memerhati sekeliling rumah, sekilas pandang..
pokok -pokok bunga ku tersusun rapi..erm petang nnt akan kusiram bunga2 kertas yg berwarna warni itu..
bunga melur dihujung laman pun dah mula berbunga..jika lalu di lorong kecil taman itu pasti terhidu haruman melur..
rumput 2 pun nampak subur, musim panas bersama sedikit hujan ini byk membantu menjaga taman kecil ku itu...
rumah dua tingkat yg didiami sejak 3 tahun lalu ini telah ku jaga rapi dan kemas..
Nadira mari dekat ibu, si kecil molek terus merehat kan diri dlm pangkuan ku..
sambil berbuai di anjung rumah..leka aku mengomel dgn si kecil..
"Nadira syg ibu tak" ? sayang.."Nadira sayang ayah..ibu...sayang baju kuning Nadira jugak.." jwbnya bersahaja
Tergelak aku mendengar, baju kurung kuning air yg disulam dgn ribbon putih benar2 membuat kan dia suka, asal kering je baju tu nak dipakainyer...
"Kecik 2 dah pandai melawa anak ibu ni.."ku cubit hidungnya manja..dia mengelak bersahaja..
"Anak ibu kalo dah besar nak jadi apa sayang.."
"Nak jd macam ayah, nak tekan komputer, pastu nak cakap telefon macam ayah.."
Aduh kebiasaan suamiku membawa pulang kerja2 pejabatnya rupa2 nyer menjadi perhatian si kecil ini..
aku senyum lagi, sayangnya aku pada zuriat ku yg satu ini..rambut kerintingnya yang lebat ikal itu kupintal lembut, mata bundar dan bibir mungil nyer tu petah benar bercakap, pipi gebu dgn kulit kuning langsat itu menambah kecomelan yg sedia ada..
"Anak ibu, jgn nakal-nakal tau"..pantas dia menjawab .".Tak Nadira gud girl..Nadira dgr cakap ibu dan ayah..."
Nadira leka menonton kartun di TV, biasanya waktu2 begini aku akan panaskan laut dan mengoreng sayur untuk makan malam.
biasanya juga pada waktu ini, suami ku sudah dlm perjalanan pulang...
Tapi kali ini tak terasa pula nak ke dapur, kejap lagi la..
terasa letih pula badan ku hari ini...seminit dua lagi mungkin suamiku akan tiba..
"Nadira sayang, ibu nak baring sekejap ye..Kalo ayah pulang Nadira bangunkan ibu ye..." ku rebahkan badan ke atas sofa.
"ok ibu"..ringkas saja jwp si kecil..
Kurang dari sejam..
Rumah ku sudah dipenuhi orang, ayah ibu dan mertua ku semua ada..
Adik2ku dan ipar duai ku lihat nampak sayu wajah mereka..
Jiran tetangga dan kawan2 rapat pun ader...
Nadira sayang duduk di riba neneknya dgn sepasang kurung kuning air nya itu...
si kecik itu seperti hairan rumah mereka di penuhi org..
bacaan yassin menyelebungi segenap penjuru ...
di tgh rumah sekujur tubuh yg telah tertulis berakhir riwayatnya bersemadi tenang
Di tanah kubur, terasa sejuk air yg mengalir..
berakhir sudah riwayat ku, bunga melur putih dan bunga kertas yg berwarna warni itu menyeri kuburku..
kulihat suami ku dan si kecil Nadira insan terakhir yg meninggalku...
Buat Nadira dan suami tercinta...syukurku pada Allah kerana menghadirkan kalian dlm hidupku..
Buat yg lain, ampun kan dosa dan halalkan makan minum ku..

( ok tak payah pk dia mati kenapa...dun be too investigative nor imaginative..just read..hehe)

While I was browsing….

2007-10-31T02:00:00.000-05:00

I was browsing the Internet as usual, and was actually looking for an English floral design glassware, so every search that display out the search result I kinda of click and click and click…
And suddenly the “Laura Ashley” baby brand name came out..being a so called one of the many millions of lover of their products, I just click again and when I look at the picture..my heart sank…
Somehow I felt really down..gosh I even feel like crying…ask me why??
Looking at those picture..yes indeed my heart sank. I knew that my life will never be complete until our dream to create our own little family is complete..Life will neva be complete without our own flesh and blood to fit into that special space that has long been created for them..

Cinta Hati kata “ Sabar ye Sayang, belum rezeki kita…Insya-Allah ada tu nnt..”
I appreciate that…those were his answer to assure me that everything will be fine..

Sometimes, it hurts when people can simply pass remarks like “ eh, jgn merancang, tak baik merancang ni” or “ huh, kena kerja kuat sikit, kena usaha lebih” or “ eh awak ni bila lagi ni, takkan asyik nak dukung anak org je” and etc…
It hurt and yes it really hurt…I mean it…so bug off..get someone else whose emotionally strong that you can pick over or pass your most insensitive remarks..

Did it ever occur to them that all happily married couple would want a child of their own as symbol of their undivided love? Or have they ever think that perhaps they have problems of not easily conceived due to certain reasons..no I dun think they will understand, not until it happen to themselves or their loves one..

I appreciate those who are concern, those who keep me up with support and advise
If you truly wanna help, try and understand, please dun just pass remark..I welcome most all the sincere thot that you have for me..

I know, the time hasn’t come yet and for that I would not give up in trying, hoping, dreaming and praying…sumday my sweet little baby gul will be place in this lavish room just like in this picture eh..not that I dun like boys, tapi pic ni is more suitable for baby gul kan…

( attached only 1 pictures, yg berkenan di hati…)

Six Wonderful Days of My Life

2007-09-10T00:58:00.000-05:00

I’ve been out of the office for 6 days...
Yeah beb, 6 straight days in a row...
And that 6 days is the most remarkable day of my life and of course more is yet to come..

kisah nyer begini....

DAY 1
I purposely took leave on Thursday (30/9)...
Breakfast with my hubby is always the best part of my morning time during holiday, best..makan sepuas hati..nyum2..
Then sajer je..booked a hotel in Royal Bintang Damansara...( i know sum of my frens and cousin gelakkan sbb rumah setakat berjongging pun dah smp..hehe)
But I dun care..me and hubby have always wanted to spend a nite there, and the timing was just rite since its a countdown to merdeka..
My coment : The hotel is super good for a 4 star hotel..we stayed at the 8th floor, facing the crowd and pool where a small concert of merdeka was held..
best giler, masa countdown tu...i sang with the crowd..lagu tanggal 31 tu, bunyi macam best sgt and full of spirit...
Then come the firework...its damn cool and fantastic. I’ve never been so close to firework, smp lari belakang my hubby ..terasa takut plak kalo api2 tu jatuh kat kita kan..hehe..
Oh ya..I was pampering my self with a pedicure and manicure session, bershopping ala kadar ( just a plain sandal and a very sweet nite wear)..
kesimpulannyer I had so much fun there..so much laughter and smile was created on that particular day…and the crowd pun taklah menakutkan macam kat bukit bintang sana..

DAY 2
Had the most sumptuous breakfast ( biasalah kan kat hotel, so everything is very much proper)..
Take a romantic stroll along the flea market and buy some unneeded stuff ( wajib tu kalo gi flea market)..
Then went to see my mum and dad, then my aunty yg akan pulang semula ke kota pakistan..sedihnyer...I’m gonna miss her so much..so we cried and hug each other..till next year then…
Malam tu plak, we went to watched The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra… wow....best tau...where the combined the orchestra musical instrument with our own traditional / local performance of wayang kulit..that 2 hours is very much interesting and entertaining,,
and finally had dinner kat kosas riverbank. a.small quite place in Ampang area...
Again I conclude, this is the best day of my life...

DAY 3
Woke up very early in the morning and somehow so full of spirit, had a capati for breakfast..i tell u, mmg best la malaysia ni..any food from any culture pun you can get it at a very cheap price and yummy..
Spend 1 hour in the Borders...decided to buy few light reading...
Spend another hour in TeSco, mengupdatekan brg2 dapur & apa2 yg patut...plus terasa plak nak masak ajak parents dtg makan
The rest of the day, duduk lepak depan TV and play with my hamster yg bucuk tu..
Sharp at 5 'clock, mula lah berhempas pulas memasak...Daging Masak Kurma, Sambal sotong, Ikan Bilis Goreng Kicap & Diperah Limau Nipis, Sayur Campur..paling sedap didgr..bila mama kata sedap...yuhooo...i've passed her standard.......seronok gak dpt berkumpul ramai macam ni..papa. ayah. mama and mama bertukar citer ..so i kinda of listen je since dah penat nak bercakap, while sitting beside my dad..ala lala..terasa manja plak ..hehe..Dlm hati dah terasa sedih sgt…tinggal sehari je cuti…Lusa nak kerja dah…

DAY 4...
Hari ni yg paling best sekali...I woke up so late. Sedar2 dah tghhari....
Suddenly terasa nak pergi Ampang Park, sound familiar...?? Iye shopping complex antara yg terawal di KL ni..
dan tempat yg masa zaman kecik2 dulu paling best untuk pergi.....masa tu kalo sesapa pergi and left me behind, i can make breakdance punya melalak la..
Tempat tu jugak la yg selalu jd tempat persinggahan kalo balik dr sekolah and terasa nak merayau..dulu2 mana ader KLCC..
So a'way, the place does change a lot l..but that cozy restaurant is still there, and i had mee hailam kat situ..so much cheaper then yg kat GE mall tu..
then jalan2...beli2...seronok sgt...I bought a CD "Arabian Nite", My main intention to come here is actually untuk cari CD tu..lepas syok dgt orchestra tu, terasa plak nak cari Arabian nite music arrangement......
malam nak tidur...my hubby told me that the 4 days with me dun feel enaf..sedih plak dgr..if only i can buy time kan... that nite when we went to sleep my sweet hubby told me that he had so much fun with me for the past 4 days, and wish this nite will neve end…so I cried..sedih tau..
My sweet hubby ..my best fren..my lurve…. : ))

DAY 5 & 6
The most unexpected thing happen early morning, where me and hubby decided to balik kg in Dungun...
Mmg tak perfikir langusng malam tu, but i guess Tuhan mendengar doa kami untuk diberikan lebih ruang masa bersama…
So we went back to Dungun dat morning with my parents..
My grandma yg tak berapa sihat tu , nmpk happy and ceria menyambut anak, cucu & menantu balik..i tried my best to spend a lot of time talking to her…and made promise to myself to come back again..at least in another 3 months time..Insya-allah
Selebihnyer tak perlu citer la..balik kg is always related to makan, keropok lekor, laidback, pantai, my small cousins and etc...
But at last, the clock tick to 5.30 pm, after Asr prayer, we left for KL…dgn hati yg mmg berat sgt…
So finally when we reach KL that nite...I just knew that I can no longer escape tomorrow..Semoga Tuhan memberi lagi ruang agar kenangan terindah ini akan terus berulang.....amin

Summary: “Spending time with those people you love most, no matter what doings you perform together, is always the best moment one can have and time can fly by so fast that you hardly noticed it…”...( My dear this entry is for you...yg selalu ader)

Returning Home

2007-08-23T00:11:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning with a mixed feeling..
One side of it was quite sad as my sweet hubby is leaving off to Jakarta for work ( sehari je pun..hehe)...so tonite,
He won't be around me to tug me to bed and kiss my forehead gudnite and hug me till i sway into my dream world..eii tak best nyer...

But the other side of me is rushing with joy, coz tonite i'll be spending a nite at my mum's place..
oh yes...my home sweet home, way back then..and still is..
the eagerness of returning home is killing me at work..how i wish the time will go off real fast..
Seriously, my heart and soul dah berlari balik jumpa mama & papa.... only my physical being is left behind...

a'way, back home, my sis is there, my two beloved aunty was also around...my cheeky younger cousin pun ader...
macam meriah sgt....i miss them so very much..macam dah setahun tak jumpa..
so we had dinner ( yummy,... mama & my aunty masak), we had coffee after that while exchanging talk bout’ our day ( me, mama & aunty)...
and finally session untuk bukak hadiah pun smp ( my aunty dah beli awal 2 my house warming gift, siap wrap cantik2...konon kata nak soh i excited..dimana mmg berjaya la tu)..the gift is so pretty and cute and lovely and i love it...( english design wall clock and a cute little lantern)..ermm
looks like she really know my taste...lala...

yg best lagi, papa & mama tersayang belikan baju kurung for this hari raya...touching sgt..dah besar panjang macam gini pun..dorang still treat kitaorg ni macam zaman budak2 dulu...thank you so much....
spending time with them last nite, makes me feel much a happier person..at one point of time, dorang la tempat aku tuju bila satu dunia ni menentang aku..dorang la yg memberi nasihat ikhlas untuk anak yg selalu perasan diri ni betul...bila kita perhati wajah parents kita ni..terbit rasa sayu sgt..rasa sayang sgt..dan terasa nak buat e'thing yg terbaik untuk mereka...we are part of them a'way, so its only natural to feel dat way i guess..

ermm, my sweet hubby call me before he went for sleep..sebelum tu pun dah call twice.. :)rindu sgt...esok malam kita jumpa k..

ok..gudnite world..
esok nak breakfast nasi lemak la...hehe..

P/s : so gud to be back home again...tapi rasa excited nak pindah rumah baru ni pun best jugak..tak sabar nyer...

Buat Ku Tersenyum

2007-08-21T23:38:00.000-05:00

Buat seketika, aku terlupa ttg perkara yg selalu sgt aku fikirkan...
entah kenapa..ia menyepi...tak! ia tak hilang cuma menyepi...
aku pun sama..sengaja melontar jauh ttg perkara itu...selesa pulak rasanya begini..,
hati jiwa rasa turut tenang...
betullah tu...kadang2 kita kena pandai memikir kan ttg perkara yg mampu buat kita tersenyum.......
walau dlm hati penuh rasa pedih...
biasalah tu..air mata sedih kadang2 menjadi air mata gembira..
ini lumrah hidup...tak perlu salahkan sesapa pun..
aku tahu aku cukup matang untuk membiarkan perkara remeh seperti itu mengganggu gugat hati yg dah cukup halus ini........
tetiba teringat pulak lagu zaman kanak 2 dulu...enjoy k.....
dan yg penting...satu perkara yg menyedihkan ku itu, mudah saja ku hapuskan dengan 1000 perkara lain yg bisa buatku tersenyum...

"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens Brown paper packages tied up with strings These are a few of my favorite things"
"Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings These are a few of my favorite things""Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes Silver white winters that melt into springs These are a few of my favorite things""When the dog bites When the bee stings When I'm feeling sad I simply remember my favorite things And then I don't feel so bad"

-My favourite thing : THe Sound oF MusIc 'soundtrack'

A different perspective….

2007-06-24T22:39:00.000-05:00

Life can be very kind to us…
Where your entire dream will just come true at the wink of an eye
Things that we wish for will keep on coming like a pouring rain
Everyone can be very kind & considerate to you..
You can’t keep smiling and feeling happy all the time...
And be thankful and hoping this bless will never come to and end...
But life can also be very mean to us..
When all your problem will comes rushing like a thunderstorm.
Things that you have work really hard to achieved just crumple into pieces
Just rite there at the front of your eye..
When you turn around and see anger faces around you...
The most you can do is to cry out loud and pray that it will go away..
And remind urself again and again, that this are all testing from God..
Life is sway of a rhythms...happy song, sad song, fun song, anger song and etc...Sing as your heart and spirit want to..
This is life. Enjoy the journey...and never think to hard on what the outcome will be..
For you know you have give the best shot of it…
Lesson Learnt:
1- The best thing happen in life when you least expect it to happen
2- We plan but God have greater plan for us...
3- Every one, have their own faith to be determined, we can ‘t do much to change that until they change for their own..

This entry is dedicated for sweet hubby who's always been there for me, he’s kind love and care is irreplaceable with any other thing that I can think off...
Whatever happen, it happen for a reason...I’m always proud of you dear, and will always, I mean forever will have strong faith of what you can do and someday will become of what you always dream off…
For my self for having such a low self esteem for the past few weeks...
For my dear sister who is always scared of trying and seems a bit lost at the moment
For my lil’ brother who always full of confidence...
And for the readers if it may in someway affected you in any ways.. : )

Sharing is something....

2007-05-31T01:41:00.000-05:00

I did something gud today..nothing big but still..
it is something that makes me feel really gud..
so wat was it?
sharing...sharing the lesser with the person who need it most...almost badly as me...
without wanting anything in return..
I shud also thanks to the dearest person that remember to share with me...thank you dear..although u may neva know i dedicate this entry for you..
now, with that small portion..everyone was hoping in their prayers that this time around the prayers is granted...
Insya-allah......

When I feel like writing..

2007-05-16T21:15:00.000-05:00

I feel like writing...
for my heart is no longer here..
my soul is empty to be filled with anything about here....
my ears ..its just dun want to hear anything relating to this place...
wats wrong with me?
i used to like it here..
i used to love e'one here...
i used to tire up myself for its sake..yet i'm doing it with happiness..
with every completion with a smile of satisfaction..
is it me?
or is it this place..
i dunno..
yet i care..coz it used to care for me
am i ok?
i think i am?
then wat went wrong?
I decided to move on..
as much as i call it moving on..
but deep inside a small voice whisper intensively..
you are trying to escape dun you..
face it Nen..and end it with pride.....

Overreacted?

2007-05-16T19:26:00.000-05:00

To my limits i've tried...if failure is meant to be..then let it be.......
one thing about me is that when under a lot of pressure... i usually would not be able to control my stress and my anger...
it can sometimes hurt the feeling of those ppl that i care...stressful emotional and mentally.....(alter ego: so u think only u can be stressed, only you have the biggest problem on earth, is not like u'r saving the world..nen you are not heroes...even heroes face certain failure)
listening to my alter ego.. i do perfectly understand that comparing my level of stress can be very minimal or none at all to certain individual..but when if u put up my problem on only 1 individual.. i just cannot handle it.....it is really sad of me to admit it..but this is just me..and lame excuse..
current i'm being stress with
my supplier...for he cannot deliver the things he is supposed to.
my customer is chassing me for this, and i dun like to be pictured as if i had not dun enaf...
i mean, i can undertsand her pressure too..but situations is all beyond my control.
too many internal policy and procedures to bring the things in..
but if i can, ..i would..swear to God ...i want to able to honour my words....
I raise up my voice to my client, which i know i 'm not supposed to...i regret for what i did..
with so many mix up emotion I kinda of burst out to her...for not wanting to accept any excuses.....
say who customer is always rite? well is only applicable to me when i am the customer.....
to my mum i let go my dissapointment, in subtle way i put the blame on her as well..
though i knew she did her best..even spoke to my client explaining how things is...glad she able to calm her down.
things turn out ok..that's wat i can say..its not gud..but it's ok..
work pressure : dun even feel wanna discuss it here........
test pressure : i'm supposed to attend for another option of my career life, a test will be conducted to verify whether i'm the person they are looking for...in few days time i got to study a few financial concept, which i've never pay any attention before..plus i've left my test addicted attitude/ freaking scared when it comes to test or exams long back in my dorm campus.......how am i supposed to find it back.......e'time i look at those material..dun feel like reading at all.........what is wrong with me?? loosing my mind to stupidity and idleness.
I need a space.....space from e'thing and e'one........space and space and space.......fuh i need to seek HIS guidance on this..........

I Finally Found Someone

2007-04-12T23:10:00.000-05:00

All of a sudden, this song kinda of hit me back..
Always with the same person : )

I finally found someone, who knocks me off my feet I finally found the one, who makes me feel complete We started over coffee, we started out as friends It's funny how from simple things, the best things begin This time it's different It's all because of you It's better than it's ever been Cause we can talk it through My favorite line was "Can I call you sometime?" It's all you had to say to take my breath away This is it, oh I finally found someone Someone to share my life I finally found the one To be with every night Cause whatever I do It's just got to be you My life has just begun I finally found someone (ooh, someone) I finally found someone (ooh) Did I keep you waiting I apologize I would wait forever just to know you were mine And I love your hair I love what you wear You're exceptional I can't wait for the rest of my life This is it, oh Cause whatever I do It's just got to be you My life has just begun I finally found someone

Bryan Adams & Barbra Streisand

Suka Duka Lara

2007-03-15T01:03:00.000-05:00

"i've been talking to myself..
i've been thinking a lot lately ...wat am i doing here..
i dun like a'more my presence and existence here..
it tires me..it worries me..it slowly is killing my joy..
i just dun want to be here a'more..
take me away from here...please........"

After a few unpleasant moments in life..
God shower upon me some happy moment yesterday and today..
though i was not really well but he blessed me with the best midday sleep ever that i've not been able to do for quite sometimes...
it was my mum bday, we went to Roadhouse Grill..chill out..a lot of laughters we shared and took a few pictures too...
i really do love my mum and dad..tears is rite now flowing from my cheeks..for i'm afraid to lose them as part of my life...
and for that..i promise to make them happy for as long as i could.....
apart from that, my 2 little cutie ( hamster name Gisselle and Sabel ), we took them about 4 months and yesteday she made me proud with 6 little minnie them..so sweet...makes me once again daydreaming that i too shall have a twins someday.. : )
well this morning..when i reach office..my superior told me that "he" the big boss appreciate my being in this department..well it makes me proud and managed to draw a smile on my dull round face..it like being lifted up once again after so long being trapped in a deep dirty hole.........i managed to take a deep breath huh..
above all, my sweet hubby is always there for me..
at wateva situations i'm facing...from the bad news to the greatest news he's always there...
i remember when we went to that place last month..when that nice guy told us the unpleasant news..i cried and he hold my hands all the way home..
neva ever did he pressure me or ask me a'thing..not until i'm ready to talk about it...
last 2 days somebody hurt my feeling and saying things that too me is such a shallow mind set / ceteknya pemikiran kamu...though i know its a donkey language but it still hurt my feeling..coz, too me...that donkey should neva question me or pass such remarks to me...
again my sweet hubby was there to protect me with his shinning armour : )
our love will always remain as it is for the past ...almost 10 years ...and with time and age...our love will grow even deeper.....ermm suamiku yg manis..saya sayang kamu...
as for now..i will continue to pray and hope e'thing will go just as we planned..........
plus...tak sabar nak pindah rumah baru : ))

4 th Jan - A Year Older A Year Wiser

2007-01-16T21:09:00.000-06:00

Untuk semua yg dilalui semalam, kalau dpt disimpulkan dengan satu perkataan..i think i will choose Blessed...
yesterday at exactly 5.58 pm i reach my 27 years of life..at this age...and at this date..i paused and reminisce back of what have i achievd so far and of coz yet to achieved..not all i dream for realised but mostly all important thing that a woman wants is here with me..married life..career...social life..e'thing is in the rite track.
Alhamdullilah..this year i have him around to celebrate, not to mention my loving family, my mama n papa dr last week lagi dah belikan colourful bracelet , pagi 2 lagi my aunty and cousin dah excited menyanyi birthday song for me through phone and reminding me to pick up the gift they bought for me, the nite before my sis keep calling me to say that she already bought a birthday gift for me...touching jugak sbb kitaorg baru je baik dr satu kejadian salah faham.. erhggg..partly my mistakes too..hehe..yeah truly I'm blessed with great family
my colleague @ office...they bought this chessy creamy Chocolaty cakes from Secret Recipe for me...thank you for remembering - i'm blessed with good frens...whom I know i can depends to at any situations ...you guys and gals are like brother and sister dah..
other frens yg keep calling and smsing plus YMing..well although we are separated by distances..i appreciate their thought..ermm feel blessed again...

My sweet husband took half day off to prepare a surprise for me....
well he was neva earlier than me to reach home during weekday.
yesterday...the cards , the flowers , the cakes and even the ballons almost make me cry..how truly he care for me...whenever i look at him..i'm just so full of love and care to shower upon him...he sang in a very sweet melody the birthday song..then we dine at fancy restaurant ( candle lite tau ) so romantic...thank u dear for constanly reminding me that you will love me and shower me with kindness forever..those moments and word we share will always be part of me......Insya-allah

A frens of mine touch my heart by saying that i'm always his icon of strong faith to God...it makes me think again..cukup ke amal ibadat yg telah dilakukan..umur semakin meningkat..sepatutnya amalan pun makin bertambah..i shud be close to God than ever..after all the kesenangan yg diberikan nya..i shud be thankful to HIM. Mungkin jugak kawan ku yg meyapa ku semalam seperti menyampaikan amanat Tuhan pada hamba nya yg terkadang 2 lalai...

yg pasti, semalam cukup indah dan bermakna...
dan yg cukup pasti, aku menginginkan keidahan semalam akan berterusan selagi hayatku ada...
dan yg plg lagi pasti, untuk semua terus berjalan dlm alam yg indah...I have to play a vital role......

p/s : Not e'day we think deeply about ourself...tentang diri kita..tentang hubungannya dengan pencipta, dgn insan lain dan dgn alam..
perhaps..we can take our birthday to start on in...at least once a year : )

Dangai Panas

2006-08-15T21:33:00.000-05:00

Dia jalan, mata melilau kiri dan kanan bahu jalan,
Panas, jln sempit, ramainya orang
Tapi terus jalan, mana boleh mengalah di awal pertempuran..
Kiri kanan tetap penuh juadah, macam-macam warna, bau dan rupa
Tapi terus jalan, hati tertumpu hanya pada satu...
Dangai Panas...

"Yang, tu ha", "dangai tu ha!!"
"Bee nak? Ok kita beli yer..."
"Bang kasi seringgit." "Siap Dik"
"Beli ye".."Iye saya jual"
"Dangai bertukar tangan...".

"Bee nak beli apa-apa lagi??"
"Hmmm ikutlah, macam nak beli udang ngan sotong."
kaki berjalan, mata mula mencari..
Tapi dangai tetap dijinjing erat...sukanya hati, hajat mencari dangai dah tertunai..

Bahu terlanggar seseorang...
"Eh!!! Hang!! Apa khabar?? Ya Allah lama betul tak jumpa ye.."
"Buat apa kat kawasan ni??"
"Aderlah beli brg sikit-sikit, kebetulan nak jumpa mak ayah.."
"Singgah dulu sebelum kesana.."

Kisah bertukar kisah, senyum berbalas senyum dan salam bertaut salam..
Sambil bicara dia diperkenalkan...
"Ini Nen, isteri aku.."
"Tahniah."senyuman ikhlas dilemparkan..
Dia, senyum sama...
"Jalan dulu ye..."

Didlm hati berbunga riang, lalala....
Jalan lagi..berhenti
"Bang kasi udang 4 pinggan" ..."Tq"
"Bang sotong ni kira camana"...."10 ringgit sekilo dik..
Ok saya ambik..tima kasih..

Kuih-kuih lain pun beli jugak untuk dijamu pada mama dan ayah..

Dah nak balik dah!!! Dangai masih dijinjit erat...

Tick tick ..masuk kereta...kereta bergerak perlahan
Penuh hati-hati, takut sepah dlm kereta, penuh gembira..
bungkusan dangai dibuka...
Haaaa!!! Kenapa bukan dangai, Cik Apam pulak tersusun rapi...
SEDIH..HAMPA.. KECEWA....

Takpe Bee, Yel turun pergi beli ye...
Diam, Tunduk...tak menjawab...

10 minit terasa begitu lama, macam mana kalau dangai habis dibeli orang...
Tepat minit ke sebelas...

Untuk Bee, makan ye sayang...

Ermm nikmatnya rasa si Dangai...
Tersenyum lebar...
Dalam hati ikut bicara....Baiknya suamiku ini...
Terharu........

Syukur

2006-06-12T21:43:00.000-05:00

Tuhan,
Hari ini aku gembira
Gembira mendengar kegembiraan orang lain
Melihat mereka tersenyum riang
Memerhati dgn tenang melihat mereka melakar warna-warna pelangi
Dalam hari-hari yg bakal mendatang
Aku tumpang gembira, bila penantian yg lelah
Berakhir dgn sebuah penghujung yg indah..
Sungguh aku gembira

Namun Tuhan,
Aku terasa sedih
Senyuman terukir bersama airmata
Gelak tawa menutup pedih yang mendalam
Tertanya sendiri, apa mungkin diri ini dapat merasakan apa yang mereka rasa?
Tersimpan sudah warna – warna indah terpilih
Untuk ku lakarkan dalam nota kehidupanku
Tapi kisahnya belum pernah tercoret
Sampai kapan aku tidak pasti..

Dan Tuhan,
Hanya Kau yg tahu
betapa diri ini bersyukur dgn setiap kurniaan mu
airmata bukan kerana kecewa
rasa sedih bukan sesalan
kerana ku yakin setiap dugaan ada hikmahnya
Mendongak ke atas tak pernah puas, adat insan yg serba mahu
Menoleh ke bawah, diri tersedar, betapa beruntungnya menjadi aku..
Syukur padamu ku panjatkan..

Oleh itu tuhan,
Izinkan aku menangis dlm tertawa
Atau jika sebaliknya
Kerana kau tahu apa yg kutahu
Jua kau fahami apa yg kurasa
Dan yg ku minta…
Hanya yg terbaik untuk ku di sisi Mu

“ In her silence prayer …she pray…even if the whole wide world turn against her…for she depends on her own courage and his continuous love and that is fairly enough”

If Moment Could Last

2006-05-29T02:34:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wish that certain moments in life we very much need it to last?
Last till the end of time or last till you final breath
Moments if we could, we even want to purchase it with worth
Moments that we wish we could capture in the abstract of a drawing
Moments that we wish will stay forever just like it this…
Moments that never comes too often in the short-lived world

Moments when love become stronger
Moments when trust become deeper
Moments when times are just meaningless
Moments when only the darkness of night would understand
Moments when sunrise becomes even obvious
Moments when words of prayer sounds well synchronized
Moments when words are just not enough
Moments when gaze complete every unfinished sentence

Those moments are moments you wish you could preserve
Preserve sacredly until times are no longer meaningful
Maybe later, moments like those may awaken from within each other soul
To right each other mistakes
To unite any breaks that may encounter between it.

Soon you realized moments could never last forever
As soul change with the growth of times and circumstances
But moments help us remember, with each passes day
That you have once wish those moments would just last…

“When thought count more that you can count...with every sincerity comes fruitful of bliss… Happy Wonderful Birthday My Yel…”

Semalam Hari Ini & Esok

2006-05-25T23:39:00.000-05:00

Antara banyak perkara dalam hidup,
Semalam pengalaman mengajar lagi,
Antara persahabatan, kejujuran dan pilihan,
Antara kebenaran dan kemungkaran,
Antara semua pilihan yang ada,
yang mana harus dipilih..
Ditelan perit, dipendam pahit, di luah terluka
Harus bagaimana dia bisa bertindak,
Nah waktu pilihan kelihatan hampir serupa,
Yg terbaik akan datang mendesak,
Yg kurang baik akan terus membisu,

Hidup dan pengalaman,
Mengajar untuk menjadi insan yang matang,
Kematangan akal, minda dan perasaan,
Semalam dan hari ini, dia tetap dia,
Bersama sedikit kematangan lagi,
Untuk menempuhi esok.....

“Speaking of trust and sincerity involving conflict around the mutual circle of friends….”

It's about time

2006-05-25T02:06:00.000-05:00

Few years back when blogspot started spreading like a virus in the cyber world, I too have the thought to join the bloggers world but thought remain a thought as I keep on holding-up to the idea coz during that time, access to the internet connection was quiet limited.

Then come to a time were access to the internet was on daily basis, but still I postpone the idea of having my own blog for I feel almost comfortable sharing the stories of my life in my own journal where I can flipped the pages whenever I feel like doing so…

After a while, as time keep on passing by, having my own blog doesn’t seem to be that important anymore, my constant thought and feeling about life was channelled by various medium like friends who comes and goes, my journal, my yel, through prayers, through advise and pass by thought just before surrender to my beauty regime each nite..and sometimes it even return in my dreams…

However, the urge of creating the blog strike again when I suddenly remember about him who was once upon a time my so called “childhood lover”, having thinking about him I browsed to his blog, but it seems to be inactive for quiet sometime. I admire the way he used to write and was hoping to read more, but sadly in return there was none, as the last entry was the same entry few years back. Obviously he in no longer writing in there, whether or not he has change his blog, I don’t really feel like searching for it, its just a plain thought of remembering a good old friend…after all, he once wrote a short story for me..hye..not everyday you get someone who’s willing to write a story about you and remembering you in a beautiful way…

The urge was even stronger when a friend of mine whom I recently become close have been posting her own thought in her blog. Tried to put my comments in one of her entry but comment denied since I’m not a blogger. That’s it!! I have to own my own blog…

The final urge I guess came almost naturally when few days back I encounter something about life which it makes me feel certain, that few things about life is worth sharing with others and should be preserve in writing i.e. in a substance form…

And I’ve decided…It’s about time...